Better, more beautiful, more successful, more skillful, more, more, and many more mores.
The ideal self, which we want to be, believe we can be, or perhaps think we will gain people’s approval if we are, is the most “ideal” state our mind creates. The ideal self is, clearly, ideal. Everything is perfect. It is a version of us running from success to success, showered with praise.
On the other hand, the real self, blended with our minuses and pluses, naturally cannot consistently achieve any ideal “more” thought, and is very different from the ideal. As the gap between the ideal self and the real self deepens, uncontrolled anxiety, a serious collapse in self-esteem, and, in general, a sense of dissatisfaction that we cannot eliminate no matter what we do, confront us.
During the day, we experience moments where we face this gap dozens of times. The simplest disappointment and anxiety we feel when a person cannot do a task “perfectly” shows us the depth of the gap between selves. Of course, feeling anxious or not finding ourselves successful when we cannot do a task as we want—or more precisely, as we have idealized—is quite normal.
Idealizing something is human nature, and when it can be controlled, it always pushes the individual one step forward. However, constantly running after an ideal far from reality directs the person toward unnecessary anxiety and depression.
The Role of Social Media in Self-Comparison
Around us, especially on social media, seeing people at their happiest, most successful, most ideal states makes it impossible not to compare ourselves with them. Every day, the moment we step onto social media, we are confronted with how much we are not in our “ideal” state. We look at lives on social media and at our own reality, and enter an endless effort of comparison. This prevents us from deriving satisfaction from our own life and self.
Carl Rogers argues that the greater this distance between the ideal self and the real self, the more incongruence there is; the smaller it is, the more congruence exists. The more alignment between the two selves, the healthier a person’s self-esteem. If incongruence between the two selves increases, the person actually drives themselves toward failure.
We may develop a tendency to constantly compare ourselves with others, avoid taking risks due to fear of failure, and face obstacles in realizing our potential. However, reducing this distance between the ideal self and the real self is not impossible. Setting goals closer to our reality, not allowing excessive perfectionism, and working on self-compassion will help significantly in this regard.
Accepting the Real Self and Practicing Self-Compassion
Accepting our reality does not mean we cannot improve ourselves. On the contrary, freeing oneself from “ideal self” anxiety is a very important step for a person to reach their true ideal. We need to evaluate our real self impartially and healthily and design our goals in accordance with this reality.
In this process, we should act calmly and not overly pressure ourselves. The greatest obstacle for a person is actually the ruthless criticism they direct at themselves. By silencing these criticisms as much as possible, leaving unnecessary perfectionism behind, and approaching ourselves with compassion, it is very useful in reducing the gap between selves.
Practicing self-compassion, being understanding toward ourselves during failures, and accepting our limits strengthens the person mentally and helps establish a healthier balance between the ideal self and the real self.
Conclusion
In conclusion, everyone has an ideal self and a real self. And yes, the fact that these two can drift apart is as natural as it is human. But this does not mean we are failures or inadequate. Constantly comparing ourselves with others, taking social media’s glossy lives as examples, and focusing on our shortcomings only increase anxiety and dissatisfaction.
Instead, progressing with small but realistic steps, noticing our own successes, and showing ourselves compassion is much more effective. In the rush of daily life, stepping away from ideal self anxiety and being at peace with our real self is liberating.
We are human with our shortcomings, flaws, and mistakes, but at the same time, we are strong and valuable. When we stop judging ourselves and learn to appreciate our successes, the gap inside us shrinks, and our self-confidence rises.
Let us not forget that being at peace with our real self is far more liberating than chasing the ideal self. We are human with our shortcomings, flaws, and mistakes, but at the same time, we are strong and valuable. When we stop judging ourselves and celebrate small steps, the gap inside us shrinks, and our self-confidence rises. Finding satisfaction and balance in our lives is possible not by being perfect, but by being at peace with ourselves.