Self-disclosure refers to the act of sharing personal information with others. Such information might be feelings, thoughts, experiences, dreams, or secrets (Laurenceau et al., 2004).
Why Do You Need to Open Up?
• The need for intimacy
Relationships often begin with small talk, a conversation about superficial topics. Over time, the conversations become more profound. This fosters trust and emotional intimacy within the relationship (Davis, 2023).
• Desire for acceptance
People want to be their true selves in relationships, without having to pretend. When they open up honestly, they expect their partners to accept them without judgment. This unconditional acceptance fosters greater commitment in relationships (Rogers, 1961).
• Emotional release (catharsis)
Unless stressful events and confusions within a relationship are discussed, they remain a burden. When people open up, problems become easier to resolve, and the relationship becomes more resilient (Pennebaker, 1997).
• Seeking support
People who share their problems and inner worlds seek social and emotional support from their partners. Compassion and understanding at the right time strengthen both the individual and the relationship (Collins & Feeney, 2000).
Psychological Foundations
According to Altman and Taylor (1973), interpersonal intimacy develops as people gradually open up to each other with increasing trust. This theory has two dimensions: depth and breadth. Depth refers to how personal, intimate, and emotionally revealing the shared information is. Breadth refers to the number and variety of topics covered during self-disclosure.
Although self-disclosure may seem narrow and superficial at first, it tends to both deepen and broaden over time. For example, when people first meet, they may discuss impersonal topics such as their university or hometown. Once the “small talk” phase is over, people can move on to more intimate conversations.
Points to Consider
• Timing
Patience is essential when it comes to self-disclosure. Sharing important information about their personal lives too quickly can damage their relationships and negatively impact their partners (Buck & Plant, 2011).
• Reciprocity
People who have just met may wait for reciprocal openness before disclosing themselves. The willingness to share personal and sensitive information often depends on how open and sincere the other person is. In other words, the more one person engages in self-disclosure, the more likely it is to encourage the other person to do the same (Dindia, 2002).
• Conditions
People may need to wait for the right circumstances to share. Even if they establish a connection with the people they meet, not every environment or time may be suitable for such sensitive sharing (Reis & Shaver, 1988).
• Approach
Research shows that people tend to be closer and open to sharing when they have understanding and responsive partners. On the other hand, when their partners are indifferent or dismissive, they tend to withdraw, and their levels of self-disclosure decrease (Collins & Miller, 1994).
How Do You Learn to Self-Disclose?
• Start by getting to know yourself: Keeping a journal can help you understand your desires and fears.
• Take small steps: You don’t have to share everything at once. You can start talking about your feelings when you feel comfortable.
• Listen with empathy: Listening without judgment creates a safe and sincere space for sharing.
• Seek therapeutic support: Past traumas can sabotage your current relationship. Working with a mental health professional can be helpful to prevent this.
Conclusion
Research shows a positive correlation between couples’ self-disclosure levels and their happiness in their relationships. Self-disclosure in romantic relationships increases emotional closeness, triggers empathy, and has a healing effect (Miller et al., 2009). When practiced with the right person and under the right circumstances, self-disclosure enhances your romantic relationships and helps build them on solid foundations.
References
Altman, I., & Taylor, D. A. (1973). Social penetration: The development of interpersonal relationships. Holt, Rinehart & Winston. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1973-28661-000
Buck, D. M., & Plant, E. A. (2011). Interorientation interactions and impressions: Does the timing of disclosure of sexual orientation matter? Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 47(2), 333–342. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2010.10.016
Collins, N. L., & Feeney, B. C. (2000). A safe haven: An attachment theory perspective on support seeking and caregiving in intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(6), 1053–1073. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.78.6.1053
Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 116(3), 457–475. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.116.3.457
Davis, T. (2023, March 13). Why self-disclosure powers relationships [Blog post]. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/click-here-for-happiness/202210/why-self-disclosure-is-good-for-relationships
Dindia, K., Allen, M., Preiss, R., Gayle, B., & Burrell, N. (2002). Self-disclosure research: Knowledge through meta-analysis. In M. Allen, R. Preiss, B. Gayle, & N. Burrell (Eds.), Interpersonal communication research: Advances through meta-analysis (pp. xx–xx). Lawrence Erlbaum Associates. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2001-18831-010
Laurenceau, J. P., Rivera, L. M., Schaffer, A. R., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (2004). Intimacy as an interpersonal process: Current status and future directions. In D. J. Mashek & A. P. Aron (Eds.), Handbook of closeness and intimacy (pp. 61–78). Mahwah, NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Miller, R. S., Perlman, D., & Brehm, S. S. (2009). Intimate relationships. Boston, MA: McGraw-Hill Higher Education. https://www.mheducation.com/highered/product/intimate-relationships-miller/M9781260804263.html
Pennebaker, J. W. (1997). Opening up: The healing power of expressing emotions. Guilford Press.
Reis, H. T., & Shaver, P. (1988). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. In S. Duck, D. F. Hay, S. E. Hobfoll, W. Ickes, & B. M. Montgomery (Eds.), Handbook of personal relationships: Theory, research and interventions (pp. 367–389). John Wiley & Sons. https://doi.org/10.4324/9780203732496-5
Rogers, C. R. (1961). On becoming a person: A therapist’s view of psychotherapy. Houghton Mifflin.”