Living Dead Relationships
Some marriages seem fine from the outside. They live in the same house; eat at the same table; sleep in the same bed. But in reality, there is an invisible silence within the house, a “dead but alive” state. Feelings like love, curiosity, excitement, and sharing have long since died; only the shell of the structure called “marriage” remains. We can call this situation, not in the language of modern psychology, but with metaphorical power, a zombie marriage: a form of relationship that exists physically but is dead spiritually.
The zombie metaphor is surprisingly accurate for understanding the nature of such relationships. Because, just like zombie figures, the external rhythm of life continues in these marriages, but the internal meaning is lost. The couple still acts together; sometimes they make plans together; they talk, but they feel nothing. In fact, this situation is not limited to the relationship between two people; it is also the greatest indicator of a social habit that legitimizes emotional death.
Prisoner Of Habit: Relationships That Never End But Don’t Provide Life
Zombie marriages are not only the result of emotional exhaustion; they are also a psychological defense mechanism shaped by the couple’s habit of each other, the fear they experience, and the need for social approval. Many people continue a relationship even when they realize that love has ended. Because ending is seen as a “failure”; divorce is perceived as a defeat, separation as a devastation.
At this point, the individual even denies their own emotional death. They no longer love, but they say, “the marriage is working.” However, what is working is only routine; like a zombie, it is an unconscious state of movement.
Existential psychology defines this situation as the loss of “authentic life.” According to Viktor Frankl, when a person does not give meaning to their life, they feel an inner emptiness. Individuals in zombie marriages live precisely in this emptiness. There is no love, but the silence is also threatening. Therefore, the parties continue to perpetuate something that does not exist—simply to avoid experiencing the emptiness.
Avoidant Attachment And Emotional Dissociation
From an attachment theory perspective, zombie marriages are often a result of an avoidant attachment style. One or both partners maintain a superficial relationship because they fear emotional intimacy, but avoid deep contact. This situation eventually develops into emotional dissociation: the person is present in the relationship but not truly there. In other words, couples touch each other but don’t feel each other.
On a societal level, zombie marriages are a product of the “illusion of happiness.” Smiling couples on social media, celebratory photos, vacations together… These images often serve as a facade to cover up emotional collapse. Society glorifies “maintained marriages” while ignoring “love that has ended.” Thus, people continue to live in their internally dead relationships because being “dead but married” seems more acceptable than being “alone but alive.”
Numbness: The Silent Exhaustion
The most prominent emotion in these marriages is numbness. Even anger is gone; because even anger is still a kind of energy. In a zombie marriage, that energy is depleted. Only a sense of duty, social role, and a stubborn attachment to the past remain. Sometimes children, sometimes economic security, sometimes “habitual addiction” become the only glue in the relationship.
Psychologically, this situation leads to self-erosion in the long run. As a person loses connection with their own emotions, they begin to lose their identity. Because our emotions define who we are. Staying in an emotionally dead relationship for a long time actually means silencing one’s own inner life.
Keeping Watch At The Grave Or Being Reborn?
Zombie marriage is one of the invisible epidemics of our time. While people maintain their relationships, they are actually losing their own vitality. Emotionally dead but socially alive relationships consume individuals from within. This is not just a relationship problem, but also a reflection of the modern human’s crisis of meaning.
Marriage lives not as an institution, but through the capacity of two people to truly breathe life into each other. If a relationship lacks curiosity, contact, sharing, and emotional honesty, then there is no longer life in it. Therefore, understanding zombie marriages means understanding not only the relationships themselves, but also the process of self-alienation.
Perhaps the most accurate question is:
“Am I maintaining this relationship, or am I merely standing guard over its grave?”
The first step to escaping a zombie marriage is to honestly ask this question. Because the rebirth of a relationship is only possible by first accepting that it is dead. And perhaps true courage lies not in “keeping the dead alive,” but in choosing to live again.