Is this a thought that crosses your mind as you say goodbye to a partner, or perhaps in the aftermath of your first major argument in your relationship? Regardless of the setting, this simple expression reveals our greatest fear and deepest need in romantic relationships: our Attachment Style (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). Sitting close to the door means keeping one foot out, preserving the freedom to leave at any moment, and staying within a comfort zone while constantly monitoring everything happening inside.
Just like a physical door, relationships are shaped by a continuous dynamic of closeness and distance. Some of us linger on the threshold, constantly checking the “inside,” that is, our partner’s love and presence, struggling with the fear of abandonment (characteristic of Anxious Attachment Style). Others choose the seat closest to the door, feel suffocated as intimacy increases, and keep their emotional armor on, always ready to slip away quietly (characteristic of Avoidant Attachment Style).
The familiar “pursue–withdraw” cycle, endless misunderstandings, and emotional chaos in romantic relationships are often rooted in these attachment patterns inherited from our earliest relational experiences in childhood (Bowlby, 1988).
The metaphor of “sitting close to the door” perfectly captures the dynamic of emotional distance and the need for safety in a relationship. While individuals with secure attachment can relax and sit comfortably in the most comfortable chair, those with anxious or avoidant attachment constantly shift their positions.
1. The Anxiously Attached: The Watcher At The Threshold
For someone with an anxious attachment style, a relationship is marked by a constant sense of danger and fear of abandonment. The inconsistency of care in childhood transforms into a hypervigilant gaze that continuously “scans” the partner’s behavior in adulthood (Ainsworth, 1978).
Typical Behaviors
• Excessive Need For Closeness: They constantly seek reassurance, validation, and intimacy. Even a delayed reply to a message can feel like a crisis.
• Emotional Reactivity: Minor events may trigger intense emotional reactions such as crying, anger, or dramatic expressions, which over time can push the partner to withdraw.
• Protest Behaviors: To capture the partner’s attention and prevent distancing, they may start arguments, display jealousy, or pretend to withdraw themselves (Levine & Heller, 2010). The underlying aim is to “test” the partner and compel closeness.
2. The Avoidantly Attached: The Traveler Ready To Slip Out
Avoidant attachment represents the opposite pattern. These individuals learned to perceive closeness as a threat because their emotional needs were consistently rejected or suppressed in childhood. Their primary value in relationships is autonomy and independence (Ainsworth, 1978).
Typical Behaviors
• Emotional Distance: They avoid emotional depth, intimate conversations, and excessive closeness. Emotions are often rationalized or dismissed.
• Deactivation Strategies: As a relationship becomes more serious, they may focus on their partner’s flaws, idealize past partners, or decide they are “not ready for a relationship” (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2003). These are unconscious defense mechanisms designed to escape intimacy.
• Emphasis On Independence: They strongly protect their personal space, express a need to be alone, and fear that their partner may become emotionally dependent on them.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Your Seat
In the complex maze of romantic relationships, the cycle created by anxious and avoidant attachment styles can be exhausting and deeply draining. However, your attachment style is not destiny; it is a changeable pattern. Though shaped by early childhood experiences, it can be rewritten in adulthood.
So, where are you sitting in your relationship? Are you the avoidant one, searching for an exit even while staring into your partner’s eyes? Or are you the anxious one, restlessly checking the emotional pulse of the relationship?
The key is to answer this question honestly—and then not to leave the table.
For the avoidant individual, the solution lies in moving away from the door and learning to see vulnerability as strength. For the anxious individual, it involves building internal security and learning to regulate emotional needs rather than constantly seeking reassurance.
The ultimate goal for both styles is neither to be chained to the door nor to be constantly watching it. It is to sit in the most secure and comfortable chair in the room.
Remember: A secure and healthy attachment begins where both people know the door is securely closed—and because of that, they choose to stay inside.
References
Ainsworth, M. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. N. (1978). Patterns Of Attachment: A Psychological Study Of The Strange Situation.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment And Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic Love Conceptualized As An Attachment Process. Journal Of Personality And Social Psychology.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. S. (2010). Attached: The New Science Of Adult Attachment And How It Can Help You Find—And Keep—Love.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2003). The Attachment System In Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, And Change. Advances In Experimental Social Psychology, 35, 29–106.