Family is one of the most fundamental structures shaping an individual’s emotional development. However, in some families, the absence of healthy emotional boundaries, emotional manipulation, and complex relational ties between members may fuel deep unrest. In this article, we will explore certain dynamics within the traditional Turkish family structure and how to establish healthier emotional boundaries within relationships.
The Role of Family in Turkish Marriages
In traditional family systems, parents often contribute positively to their children’s marriages—providing childcare, financial support, cultural continuity, and emotional solidarity. Yet, alongside these contributions lies an undeniable truth: parental involvement is also one of the leading causes of marital conflict and even divorce.
In collectivist cultures like Türkiye, marriage is rarely just between two individuals. When the emotional boundaries of a marriage are not clearly defined, extended family members especially parents may become involved in ways that are well-meaning but ultimately intrusive or even harmful.
Attachment Theory: A Lens to Understand Hidden Dynamics
Attachment theory provides a powerful framework to make sense of these dynamics. It suggests that early childhood attachment experiences shape the way we relate to others in adulthood especially in intimate partnerships. Marriage becomes the grand stage where old attachment patterns are rehearsed. Roles are redefined, and if the couple struggles to draw clear emotional boundaries, other “actors” may invade the scene parents, in-laws, siblings blurring the roles and weakening the marital alliance.
Some parents see their children as extensions of themselves, believing they still have the right to steer their lives. Others may treat their adult children as “surrogate partners,” fulfilling their own unmet emotional needs through them. Such dynamics create confusion, resentment, and emotional distance within the couple.
When Families Compete Instead of Support
Certain family elders may perceive the son- or daughter-in-law as a rival—this, too, can be traced back to attachment injuries. Parents who once struggled to receive love may unconsciously direct jealousy, competition, or devaluation toward their child’s spouse. A father-in-law who belittles his son’s wife in public or a mother who constantly undermines her daughter’s choices may be acting out unresolved emotional patterns from their own pasts.
When Attachment Wounds Meet Marital Challenges
- Anxiously attached individuals may feel torn between the need for parental approval and the loyalty to their spouse, leading to emotional instability.
- Avoidantly attached partners may withdraw from conflict, allowing boundary violations to continue unchecked.
- Securely attached individuals are better able to build a marital coalition with their spouse and maintain a respectful, emotionally mature distance from their families of origin.
If both partners struggle with insecure attachment styles, the marital system becomes more vulnerable to external interference.
The Power of Marital Coalition
Every marriage must establish its own internal safety. This does not only mean defending against external threats, but also understanding and healing each partner’s internal attachment wounds. Couples must form a united front in three key areas:
- Emotional Coalition: “I see you. I’m here for you.”
- Boundary Coalition: “I will protect our relationship from external interference.”
- Loyalty Coalition: “Even though I love my parents, my priority is the life we are building together.”
Final Thought: Nurturing the Garden Together
The shadows from our roots can darken the fresh blooms of marriage. But when couples stand together, face one another with compassion, explore their inner wounds, and consciously rewrite the scripts handed down to them, they can reclaim their garden. They can water it with their own rules and nurture new life on their own terms. Attachment theory offers not only a map of the past but a compass for the future a guide for transforming inherited patterns into conscious choices.