When a relationship ends, people not only say goodbye to the person who left, but they also say goodbye to a dream they built together, to a shared future, and familiar habits. Breakups cause not only emotional but also cognitive and behavioral tremors. A breakup is not the end; it is a new beginning, a transformation, and even a process of discovering a new self. In this article, I will try to offer you a psychological perspective on how to cope after the end of a relationship. This process is often referred to as breakup recovery in psychology literature.
Grief After Breakup: The Kübler-Ross Model
The end of a relationship is the beginning of a grief process. Grief is not only experienced after the death of a person. Breakups, losses, and divorces are also emotional traumas that can be experienced as grief (Kübler-Ross, 1969). According to Kübler-Ross’s model, this process progresses in five stages.
The first stage is denial. Initially, the individual rejects the truth and struggles to accept it.
The second stage is anger. At this point, the person feels intense anger and guilt toward both themselves and their partner. They question why this had to happen to them.
The third stage is bargaining. In this stage, the person experiences inner conflict and focuses on their faults, searching for a way out of something they could have done differently.
The fourth stage is depression. The person reaches a point where they have exhausted all hope and realizes the loss of their energy, becoming engulfed by a sense of hopelessness and being dragged down.
At this point, the final stage slowly begins to reveal itself in acceptance. The person begins to develop awareness of everything that has happened. They realize there is no clear right or wrong, and that no one is fully guilty or innocent. They start to accept the situation as it is and enter the stage of emotional healing. Being able to go through this process is actually healthy for the individual, as it is part of recovery (1969).
Ruminative Thinking and Cognitive Restructuring
After a breakup, individuals often find themselves mentally replaying the past. Especially when focusing on negative experiences, they tend to blame themselves. This leads to recurring thoughts such as “What could I have done differently?” This type of ruminative thinking (a repetitive thought loop) can be considered the beginning of depression from a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) perspective.
Negative thoughts may emerge suddenly, even in moments of happiness, and begin to pull the individual down to the point of disrupting daily functioning. This can cause people to catastrophize or personalize situations beyond reason. That’s where CBT comes in, because the goal of this technique is to help individuals recognize these negative thoughts and transition to more realistic and healthier ways of thinking. In other words, it enables cognitive restructuring.
Techniques include journaling, situation analysis, and generating alternative interpretations of events and thoughts. Through these methods, individuals find ways to help themselves. This process lightens emotional burden and allows for a more neutral, objective view of the self (Beck, 2011).
From “Us” to “Me”: Rebuilding Identity After a Breakup
The experience of being in a relationship often leads people to think and act as a duo in all situations. This can push the “self” identity into the background or even cause it to be forgotten. After a breakup, the person may feel unfamiliar with themselves. For instance, not knowing what to do alone, not remembering what they enjoy or dislike on their own. This creates a sense of emptiness.
But this emptiness can be an opportunity for rediscovery. It allows the person to understand their value, gain new experiences, and build self-awareness because there is now space for learning. In this process, social support is crucial. A safe environment provided by family, friends, or therapy plays a major role in fostering this self-awareness and long-term emotional healing.
Embracing the Process of Healing
The end of a relationship may initially seem like a great destruction—it may even be frightening—but it allows the individual to be reborn with strength. In truth, no emotion we experience lasts forever. Everything is part of the process. Making room for this process, embracing our thoughts, and learning to face them is essential.
If you are in such a situation, do not be angry at your emotions because the greatest part of healing is being able to fully experience the process. Every ending is a new beginning. And this beginning teaches you about yourself more strongly, so much so that at the end of the day, even you may be surprised by who you’ve become and what you’re capable of.
References:
Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Bowlby, J. (1980). Attachment and loss: Vol. 3. Loss, sadness and depression. Basic Books.
Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On death and dying. Macmillan.