When aggression is mentioned, we often think of individuals who shout, lose their temper, or resort to physical violence. However, psychological literature indicates that aggression is exhibited not only in overt but also in covert forms. Passive-aggressive personality structure, one of these covert forms, points to a challenging yet often overlooked dynamic in relationships.
Definition and Clinical Presentation:
Passive-aggressive personality disorder (although not an “official” diagnosis in the current DSM-V, it is classified under the heading “negative personality traits”) is a pattern in which an individual expresses their anger and conflict indirectly rather than directly. These individuals often avoid responsibilities, perform tasks reluctantly, procrastinate, and frequently exhibit “meaningful silences.” They may appear docile, even compliant, on the surface, but underlying this lies a chronic anger, resentment, and resistance.
Silent War in Relationships:
Passive-aggressive individuals harbor an inner world that views open expression of anger as risky or forbidden. Therefore, their aggression is shaped by forgetfulness, delays, passive resistance, sarcastic remarks, or victimization. This dynamic, especially in close relationships, leaves their partner, colleagues, or family members emotionally on edge.
For example, someone who deliberately forgets their partner’s birthday may say, “But I’m sorry I forgot, I was very busy,” attempting to empathize while actually punishing the other party. This isn’t an act, but a message: “I’m not happy about something either, but I won’t tell you. You try to understand.”
Psychodynamic Underpinnings:
The foundations of this personality pattern are often laid in early childhood. Individuals raised in authoritarian, critical, or emotionally repressed family structures, in particular, learn that expressing anger is dangerous. This can lead to aggressive impulses being suppressed and turned inward or expressed passively. In Freud’s psychoanalytic theory, this is considered a type of “displacement” defense mechanism, not “sublimation.”
Manifestations in Daily Life
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Persistent procrastination: Leaving tasks to the last minute, delaying, not completing them on time.
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Forgetfulness: Selective forgetfulness, especially on important matters.
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Insinuations and sarcastic jokes: Expressing feelings subtly, not openly.
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Victim role: Constantly portraying oneself as misunderstood or wronged.
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Indecisiveness: Refusing to take responsibility but continuing to complain.
Passive Aggression in Therapy:
Working with these individuals in therapeutic settings often requires patience. This is because the client speaks through actions, not words. They may be late for sessions, neglect homework, and indirectly resist the therapist. However, this resistance should be explained by the client’s insecurity in expressing their feelings, rather than a feeling of being “sabotaged” by the therapist.
During the therapy process, the individual is encouraged to first establish a healthy connection with their anger and then express it in appropriate ways. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Schema Therapy, and Psychodynamic approaches offer effective tools in this area. For example, working with the “punitive parent” or “submissive child” schemas in Schema Therapy is highly effective in transforming passive-aggressive patterns.
Passive-aggressive personality patterns can drain the psychological resources of not only the individual but also those around them. Therefore, an approach focused on transforming emotional expression, rather than adopting a judgmental attitude toward the individual, is crucial. Creating spaces where anger can be expressed without suppression or harm, and where emotions can be discussed openly, is the beginning of healing.
Sometimes anger doesn’t scream; it is delayed, forgotten, hinted at—but it never disappears.