The first sources of narcissism begin with Freud’s concept of primary and secondary narcissism. The primary period is seen during infancy. Since the needs of infancy are met by routines such as changing food, water, and diapers by the mother, the child perceives himself as a creative force. Here, the perception is formed that “I want and create.”
The part we call primary narcissism gives the feeling that the world revolves around us. Then, during the period when we evolve toward meeting our own needs, we gradually shift from the belief that “I created everything” to a more realistic and mature perspective. When primary narcissism begins to be suppressed, the transition to secondary narcissism gradually begins.
If the mother can convey to her child that she loves him with the right transmission during the period of primary narcissism, that he is an important being as an individual, the child believes and internalizes this. When this is transferred to the child correctly, the child’s self becomes stronger between the ages of 0-6 years. He clings to this power while experiencing positive and negative experiences.
Mothers always think that they are raising their children with the right mirroring method. But most of the time, without realizing it, they push them toward perfection. The child wants to laugh, he wants to cry; his only expectation is that the mother accompanies him in these moments. But some parents try to impose the baby or child design they imagine in their minds onto the child. Unwittingly invading the child’s entire self, they give the message, “From the bottom, you will become the kind of child I want.”
Mothers often try to create their own existence through the child without realizing it. A child, like a painting, is used to show off to others, but the mother does not realize that the child’s feelings and emotions have been destroyed. She is not interested in understanding her child at all. “Oh, my son/daughter, people will come, dress properly, don’t be naughty around them, don’t upset me,” she says while giving suggestions, not realizing that she is occupying the child.
Children who grow up with such a structure lose their sense of self. Narcissistic personality organization appears in this child at a later age. He rebels against everything that tries to shape him in the environments he enters. These children have difficulty adapting to an existing order in adulthood, which for them represents their ignored and occupied childhood. They definitely want to make a touch in their own way so that they exist and are not occupied.
REVERSE IDENTITY
Some of the children who are raised like a painting develop a reactive narcissistic structure. Rebellion against every rule that is set is at a place that tries to establish its own rules. It gives the message that the child may rebel against the mother, saying, “You can’t shape me.”
The child is at a point where he does not see, does not understand, and cannot convey emotions due to the mother’s reactions. He becomes a model of a son who does not listen to the mother’s words, reacts to authority, and fights with the mother.
This situation is not a rational reaction; it brings a reverse identity that rebels against all kinds of rules that someone else sets and tries to apply the exact opposite of what is said.
CONDITIONAL LOVE
Love is divided into two parts: conditional love and unconditional love. My mother loved me because I existed; she saw my needs and raised me by trying to be in sync with this unconditional love. Now let’s come to the conditional part: I have to take care of my mother so that I can get the energy and love necessary to survive because I was raised with a feeling of worthlessness and inadequacy.
This structure successfully tries to make itself exist. He is applauded when he succeeds, he thinks that he is always happy and pleasant, but when this structure is broken by failure somewhere, this feeling leads him to inner worthlessness, and the realization that he is an ordinary person emerges. He says from the bottom of his heart that it is not always possible to achieve success. He thinks about what to do, that person runs away from that breaking point and moves away. He avoids anything that takes him to that breaking point and makes him feel worthless.
SOCIAL PHOBIA
If I love myself from the bottom of my heart, if I am at peace with myself, your criticism, highlighting my mistakes, and showing me my flaws will be pleasant. But if the opposite is the case, I turn into someone who stays away from social environments, feels distress, and runs away with the worry that others will focus on me, make fun of me, and face humiliating situations. Since these will activate the inner core of worthlessness, I will take every precaution to ensure that it is not activated.
In such a situation, making a connection in a loving sense, making the other side feel appreciation and love, ends love, because a flower in the basket does not matter. He always runs after the part that he can’t get or thinks he can, because the context of love is conditional, and unconditional love is an area he doesn’t experience.
THE DEVALUING NARCISSIST
One set of narcissistic structures exists by crushing another. A number of people in an authoritarian order tend to crush another to suppress their own feelings of worthlessness, helplessness, and inadequacy. When they have an office, they use the power to the fullest extent.
Their problem is to establish dominance and reign over another to exist again, reclaiming their lost self. These people humiliate, look down on, and always make the other person feel bad; in essence, their experience is in this direction. Since their experience is in this direction, their philosophy is to always be on the devaluing side, so they try not to feel worthless.
In short, narcissistic structuring consists of the emotions we mirror in infancy and childhood and our breaking points that touch the core. We all start life as narcissists. What is valuable in life are our experiences during the transition phase from primary to secondary narcissism.