Across generations, from a young age, we have been exposed to comments about the outside world so frequently that it has woven into our minds in the shape of a habit of constantly looking outward. Precisely, everyone’s good deeds are always in the center: neighbors, friends, relatives. Everyone’s but our own. Thus, forcing us to overlook our achievements that stem from individual aspirations. This constant rush toward what others have distorts a sense of individuality, eroding the unique identity that defines us as individuals.
It can also generate a false understanding of what progress really is, overlooking the fact that every individual’s path is different. Life becomes harder when our attention is always on the neighbor’s lawn since you have to catch up with him in a competition he is unaware of. However, quieting those persistent inner voices molded by familiar patterns of comparison is not easy. These thoughts do not vanish in a flash; they are so entrenched that it becomes a daunting task to divert one’s mind inward.
The Trap of Comparison
- “He is so lucky he bought a house.”
- “She flew to Paris and got an engagement proposal.”
- “She got accepted to a very prestigious university, but I didn’t.”
We see what is shined upon, but there is so much more left in the shadows. It might be that luck has assisted him in buying a house, but it also might be countless nights working overtime, social events, missed family dinners, children’s first steps, first words, and their school performances. But we only see the results.
She flew to Paris to get a ring, but what is known about the number of times they had to make hard compromises, arguments, and late-night conversations for their relationship to stay afloat? Finally, she got into that university, but at what cost? Who would think of that?
Some say the grass is greener on the other side, but it ain’t greener—it’s just that it’s in the spotlight. While you are busy looking at the neighbor’s lawn, you are forgetting to water and cherish your own.
How to Break the Cycle of Comparison
Since thinking and behavior patterns are learned, there are a couple of things that can be done to break the cycle of comparing:
- Understand Everyone’s Unique Path: Recognize that everybody’s path is different, and so everyone wants different things for themselves.
- Focus on Your Dreams: Learn to focus on your dreams and celebrate your own achievements; then there will not be time to check on others.
- Prioritize Your Needs: Dive deeper into what you want and be aware that it is not always what others want. Likewise, what others want might not be what you want for yourself.
- Keep a Progress Diary: Create a diary where you write down all of your progress; even the very small everyday life fortunes should be documented to see how far you’ve come on a bigger scale.
- Reframe Envy: When you find yourself envying someone’s success, remind yourself: You’re seeing their moment—what’s polished and proudly shared, not their journey.
- Practice Self-Compassion: Be kind to yourself. Show yourself the compassion you would offer to a friend who does not feel well.
Embracing Your Own Garden
There are times when what others have and do seems shinier than what you have in your hands, but comparing yourself to others without grasping the whole picture may be illusive. It is almost like peeping through the keyhole at the neighbor’s garden—you catch a glimpse of the roses in flower, but not the thorns, the weeds, or the hours spent digging the soil. Meanwhile, your garden waits patiently, wild and full of promise, just waiting for your eyes to look up and look after it.