The endless arguments we experience in our relationships and the hours we spend drowning in our thoughts afterward can force us to temporarily say goodbye to days that started off beautifully. We lose our ability to focus, and time simply refuses to pass. Most likely, there is a problem we cannot solve—either with someone we love or within ourselves—and we keep trying to figure out how to deal with it. A disagreement, a difference in opinion, or even longing can trigger a conflict. Then our inner voice begins to speak: “How am I supposed to solve this? What should I do? I’m tired. Why am I the one who always fixes everything? Shouldn’t someone else put in some effort for once?” But what if I told you that not every problem needs to be solved? Wouldn’t it be comforting to hear that some problems don’t require overthinking, and that you don’t have to drain yourself?
The Distinction Between Solvable and Perpetual Problems
According to Gottman, conflicts in relationships are natural and functional. A conflict can actually be a valuable opportunity to understand the other person’s inner world more deeply. Helpful—yes—but then why is it so exhausting? Because Gottman argues that the idea of managing conflict is more accurate than solving it. He also divides the issues causing conflict into two categories: solvable problems and perpetual problems (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). Solvable problems include mistakes that can be corrected—forgetting something, acting impulsively, or any behavior that can be repaired through discussion. Perpetual problems, on the other hand, arise from fundamental differences between partners and are shaped by stable personality traits. Our ways of expressing love, understanding love, or our outlook on life are examples of this.
Managing Differences Instead Of Forcing Change
Conflicts caused by such differences usually cannot be solved, but they can be managed. How so? Imagine that your worldview and your partner’s worldview simply do not align, and neither of you can change. What would you do? You could fight, hurt each other, or try to persuade each other by attacking with everything you have. But would it work? According to Gottman’s theory, it would not—because the issue stems from a deep, stable personality trait. In short: it cannot be solved, but it can be managed. Taking a break from the conversation, trying to understand instead of convincing, respecting differences, and most importantly, accepting the existence of the problem itself. Even if full agreement is unlikely, the effort you spend maintaining the relationship while accepting the person as they are will harm the relationship far less than the energy spent trying to change them.
Applying Conflict Theory To All Human Connections
Gottman originally proposed these theories for romantic relationships. But when we look closely, we realize they apply to all human relationships. Love, friendship, family, and even the complex relationship we have with ourselves—at the core of each lies the value we give and the years we spend trying to understand one another. Sometimes we try so hard to get along that we lose ourselves. After twenty years, we may find that we have tried to be aligned with everyone we love on every issue. At the end of the day, either we end up resembling them, or they end up resembling us. But isn’t becoming identical equivalent to the world losing its colors?
Finding Self-Respect Within Uncertainty
Relationships are a space where we both lose ourselves and find ourselves—a realm of constant uncertainty. We drift into our thoughts trying to make sense of this uncertainty, generating solutions for problems that have happened or may happen. In truth, what we try to protect is both the relationship and ourselves. But sometimes the steps we take to “protect” the relationship only wear down the other person, ourselves, and the relationship itself. Instead of trying to eliminate the problem entirely, we need to accept its existence and learn to carry the relationship forward with calmness. Sometimes we need to compromise, be understanding, and simply be present. In short, not every problem is meant to be solved—some exist solely to help us understand the other person better. Without losing your self-respect, the goal is not to destroy the problem but to learn to live with it. But of course, as I mentioned earlier, if you feel that you’re losing yourself in the process, don’t forget that the “I want to leave” button always exists.
Referance
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12182