Today, just like many years ago, many mothers feel a quiet pressure to be perfect; to notice every need, soothe every feeling, and never make mistakes. But when we look at the history of child development, one of the first people who questioned this expectation was the British pediatrician and psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott.
In 1953, Winnicott introduced the idea of the “Good Enough Mother”, which challenges the belief that mothers must always be flawless. The idea suggests that trying to be perfect may not strengthen a child as much as we think and sometimes, it can even make things harder for them.
In the beginning, a good enough mother responds to her baby’s needs very quickly and closely. But as the child grows, she slowly gives a little more room instead of reacting right away. This means the child sometimes waits for a moment or faces small disappointments. According to Winnicott, these experiences help children stay in touch with reality, develop emotional regulation, and learn independence.
How Trying To Do Everything Right May Shape A Child’s Emotions And Needs
Many mothers try their best with love and care, but without realising it, they may set very high expectations for themselves. And while this intention comes from a good place, the pressure to do everything perfectly can be tiring for the mother and limiting for the child.
Children may find it harder to manage their emotions: If a mother steps in to calm every difficult feeling right away, the child may have fewer opportunities to learn how to soothe themselves or cope with uncomfortable emotions. When small challenges appear later in life, they may feel more intense.
Children may struggle to express their needs: During early infancy, close attunement—understanding the baby’s signals and responding quickly—is essential.
But as the child grows, short waiting moments help them understand that the world does not always respond instantly.
If a mother meets needs even before the child shows them, the child may miss the chance to notice their own needs or express them clearly. Over time, they may start paying more attention to what others expect from them, rather than noticing and expressing their own needs and feelings.
Children may find frustration harder to handle: Small, manageable frustrations help children learn patience and resilience. But when every difficulty is solved immediately, there are fewer natural moments for this learning to happen. Later on, disappointment or stress may feel more overwhelming.
The Emotional Weight Of Trying To Be A Perfect Mother
Trying to get everything right, all the time, is incredibly demanding. Motherhood is a process learned through experience; through trying, making mistakes, and slowly understanding what feels right. The idea of being “perfect” goes against this natural learning.
A mother may start questioning herself or feeling guilty, even when she is doing more than enough. And when she tries to be strong and responsive at every moment, she may begin to ignore her own needs, which can lead to exhaustion and maternal burnout.
This shows why striving for perfection is difficult for both mother and child—which is exactly why Winnicott focused on the idea of being good enough: a way of caring that supports the child while also allowing the mother to remain herself.
Why “Good Enough” Matters
A good enough mother is caring and attentive, but she also accepts that she cannot meet every need instantly. Small delays or mistakes are not harmful; they help the child understand the rhythm of real life. Through these moments, children develop their own sense of self, learn to express their wishes, and begin setting healthy boundaries.
At the same time, the mother gives space to her own feelings and needs. This helps her build a healthier, more balanced relationship with her child.
In the end, the good enough mother values the natural flow of the relationship, not perfection.
And as Winnicott said, what truly helps a child grow is not flawless care, but a relationship that is steady and simply good enough.
References
Winnicott, D. W. (1953). Transitional objects and transitional phenomena. International Journal of Psycho-Analysis, 34, 89–97.
Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. International Universities Press.