In no era have people been paired up so easily, but in no era have relationships been broken so quickly. Bonds are quickly established, words of love are easily uttered, but emotional commitment, effort, and meaningful connection are often lacking. Why do we have difficulty establishing a real emotional bond among so many options? Perhaps the answer lies in the individual’s relationship with themselves: external bonds are fragile without an inner journey. The superficialities in modern relationships may be based on the individual’s search for love before completing their self-development. One of the theories that best explains this situation is Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs.
Maslow: Is True Love Possible Without Self-Actualization?
According to Maslow’s (1943) theory, human needs are hierarchically arranged in a five-layered pyramid:
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Physiological needs
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Security needs
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Belonging and love needs
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Respect needs
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Self-actualization
Romantic relationships are included in the third step—the need for belonging and love. However, when the individual reaches this level without fully meeting their lower-level psychological needs, the relationship can turn into a tool for completing a deficiency. At this point, love evolves from mutual sharing to dependency, a search for approval, or an effort to suppress loneliness. The person may try to cover internal emptiness with superficial or emotionally unavailable relationships.
According to Maslow, self-actualized individuals approach love from a different perspective. For them, love is not born from deficiency but from freedom, self-awareness, and inner wholeness. These individuals enter into healthy relationships not out of a need for “completion,” but for mutual growth, emotional maturity, and meaningful connection (Maslow, 1970).
Peak: Self-Actualization
Self-actualization, which is at the top of Maslow’s hierarchy, is about the individual realizing their potential, living a life in alignment with their inner values, and adding meaning and purpose to their experiences. Real and healthy love becomes possible when the individual reaches this state of personal growth. A self-actualized person gains a deep sense of life satisfaction by noticing the small, meaningful moments in everyday life.
These individuals make decisions consistent with their core values, and have largely let go of the need for external approval. They know who they are, are comfortable being alone, and are not caught in what-ifs or regrets. Their presence is a conscious choice, not a reaction.
A person who knows their own direction prefers to walk together, not lean on another, in a relationship. Love becomes a space for mutual development, not a mechanism for eliminating personal shortcomings.
And perhaps this is where real love begins:
At the place where two complete individuals meet-whole on their own, yet choosing each other.
The Psychological Basis of Superficiality
When viewed through this lens, the superficial nature of modern relationships may stem from individuals seeking love before completing their own psychological development. The way to build genuine emotional bonds is for each person to first develop self-awareness and emotional security.
Individuals who attempt to fill emotional voids with another person tend to develop fragile, dependent, and unsatisfying relationships. These patterns are further reinforced by consumer culture and digital distractions, which feed the belief that we are always missing something. Constant messages that encourage the search for “more” make it hard to achieve inner contentment, leading to relationships that serve as temporary emotional escapes.
However, as Maslow emphasized, healthy love can only emerge when the individual has achieved a sense of inner integration and psychological stability.
Conclusion
The first condition for building a healthy and deep relationship is the emotional bond that the individual builds with themselves. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, love is a fundamental human need, but the way it is experienced is directly linked to the individual’s level of internal development.
For individuals who do not know themselves, or who have not met their basic needs for safety, respect, and self-esteem, relationships become a means of escape or a temporary fix. This results in shallow, short-lived, and unfulfilling romantic experiences.
The foundation of a psychologically healthy relationship is possible only when the individual has embarked on their inner journey. A person who is aware of their own emotions, needs, and values can see another as they truly are, and build authentic, resilient emotional bonds. Otherwise, every relationship becomes an effort to patch what’s missing inside—a temporary consolation for an unresolved inner void.
Source:
Maslow, A. H. (1943). A theory of human motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370–396. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0054346
Maslow, A. H. (1970). Motivation and Personality (2nd ed.). New York: Harper & Row.