Has this thought ever crossed your mind? Or let me put it differently. When you set aside the pressure from society, has there ever been a day when this thought didn’t cross your mind? I know, it’s hard to admit. But if you feel this way, know that you are not alone.
Maybe you’re pregnant, maybe you’ve just given birth, or maybe you’re a few years into motherhood. During this time, you might have gone through a rollercoaster of emotions and thought something was wrong with you. But is it really abnormal to feel confused in the face of major changes like increased hormone levels, the resulting physical and emotional shifts, or the fact that each family member is now stepping into a new role?
In our culture, motherhood is often portrayed as a magical feeling that descends from the heavens the moment a woman gives birth and holds her baby for the first time. So when a new mother doesn’t feel this way, she first tries to make sense of what’s going on, then starts blaming herself. Something feels off. Out of place. While everyone else seems to adapt to motherhood instantly, she wonders: “Why do I feel like I’m flipping through a dictionary in a language I don’t speak, trying to find the right word just to communicate?” And she’s not alone. There are countless mothers who think the exact same thing.
Take a moment and imagine. If it were your closest friend feeling this way, what would you say to her? You’d likely tell her it’s completely normal. That in time, she’d adjust, and motherhood would become both a responsibility and something to enjoy. So then… why are you being so hard on yourself?
Loving the Child, Struggling with Motherhood
Let’s look at this from another perspective. Is it possible that you love your child deeply, yet don’t enjoy being a mother? You feel a boundless love for this little being who grew inside you, who is a part of you. And yet, the heavy weight of responsibility that comes with parenting may feel overwhelming, even suffocating. It’s completely possible to feel both at the same time. Maybe being a mother is like the song says: “both my wound and my bandage.”
So, What Now?
So far, we’ve talked about how motherhood makes you feel. We’ve normalized having conflicting emotions at the same time. But now… what can you actually do when you feel this way?
First, just knowing that millions of women feel the same way might bring some comfort. Then, in moments when your mood is low or your patience is wearing thin, try asking yourself: “What do I need right now?” Don’t forget that there was a YOU before the child. What did you enjoy? What were your hobbies? What helped you feel calm? Maybe at that moment, all you need is five minutes alone with yourself. Maybe a short walk outside. In order to do these things, support from your family is essential.
Motherhood is like a job with no clock-out time. You’re on duty 24/7. Have you ever seen a legal job that demands more than 45 hours a week? Of course, we shouldn’t treat motherhood like a job but the responsibility side of it is very real, and it’s full of tasks that need to be done on time and without fail. That’s why this load should be shared equally between parents. Every responsibility that is lifted off a mother’s shoulders contributes positively to her well-being.
Balancing Relationships After Becoming Parents
Meanwhile, relationships between partners shift dramatically once they become parents. Especially during the newborn stage, the mother—often fearful and protective—tends to fully step into the “mom” role. The father often steps in to support her, to calm her fears, and both individuals start operating solely in their roles as parents.
As this continues, the relationship can become monotonous, and they may find themselves stuck in those roles. That’s when activities that remind them they’re still a couple can bring fresh energy. A quiet dinner together, a walk while holding hands, doing something fun together, or even just cuddling and watching a show can be enough to reconnect.
Remind yourself that getting used to motherhood is a process. Every emotion you feel, every thought that passes through your mind, it’s all normal. What’s not normal is blaming yourself for them. Years from now, you might look back on these days with a smile. So hold your child close and focus only on this moment.