In today’s relationships, a widespread belief equates emotional strength with “not needing anyone.” According to this view, attaching in romantic relationships weakens individuality and causes one to lose their sense of self. However, attachment theory directly contradicts this popular assumption. Research consistently shows that forming secure bonds in close relationships actually makes individuals more independent, more confident, and more psychologically resilient.
In this article, we explore the myth of self-sufficiency in romantic relationships and the biological reality of attachment, grounded in the core assumptions of attachment theory.
Attachment Theory: Foundations And Its Link To Adult Romantic Relationships
Attachment theory proposes that people tend to reenact emotional patterns learned in early life within their adult romantic relationships. John Bowlby, the founder of the theory, demonstrated in the 1950s and 1960s that the foundations of attachment develop early in life and remain influential throughout adulthood (Bowlby, 1969).
Building on Bowlby’s work, Hazan and Shaver (1987) tested this idea and showed that adults, much like children, possess one of three attachment styles: secure, anxious, or avoidant (Hazan & Shaver, 1987). These adult styles mirror the categories first identified by Mary Ainsworth in her research on infants and caregivers (Ainsworth et al., 1978):
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Securely attached children use their caregiver as a secure base from which they can explore their environment.
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Anxiously attached children remain unsure of their caregiver’s availability and seek constant reassurance.
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Avoidantly attached children detect their caregiver’s emotional distance and adopt self-reliant coping strategies.
The same patterns appear in adulthood:
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Secure adults feel comfortable with closeness and seek healthy intimacy.
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Anxious adults desire intense closeness and fear losing their partner’s love.
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Avoidant adults perceive intimacy as a threat to their independence and create emotional distance (Levine & Heller, 2010).
Thus, our expectations of closeness and the ways we express emotional needs in relationships are not merely personal preferences—they are reflections of early attachment patterns. This challenges the commonly held belief that “needing no one emotionally” is a sign of strength.
Self-Sufficiency: A Historical Misconception
For decades, an unhealthy belief dominated child-rearing practices: children were expected to be emotionally self-sufficient. Particularly in the 1940s, experts warned parents that showing too much affection would make children “weak and dependent.” John B. Watson even explicitly cautioned parents about “the dangers of too much love” (Watson, 1928).
This belief suggested that a “well-adjusted” child should show minimal attachment. Attachment theory overturned these assumptions entirely. Research by Bowlby and Ainsworth showed that children cannot thrive on physical care alone—emotional bonding is a fundamental component of healthy development (Bowlby, 1951). Children without secure attachment figures showed delays in social, cognitive, and emotional development.
Despite this scientific clarity, a similar misconception persists in adult relationships today. According to this narrative:
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Being too attached makes a person inadequate
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Stronger individuals must emotionally “separate”
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Healing should be done entirely alone
Yet biological reality tells a very different story.
The Biology Of Bonding: Why We Are Wired For Connection
When we bond with someone, our emotional and physiological systems synchronize with theirs. A striking demonstration of this comes from Coan, Davidson, and Schaefer’s (2006) well-known electrical shock study.
In this study, married women underwent brain scans while anticipating a mild electric shock designed to induce stress. The hypothalamus—responsible for activating the stress response—showed markedly different activity depending on who was present:
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Women facing the shock alone showed the strongest stress response.
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Women holding a stranger’s hand showed a reduced stress response.
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Women holding their husband’s hand showed almost no detectable stress response.
This finding reveals a fundamental truth:
Biologically, we are wired for connection.
This is not a preference or weakness—it is human nature.
The Dependency Paradox: Becoming More Independent Together
The dependency paradox, a well-established concept in attachment research, explains a seemingly contradictory truth:
People do not become stronger by limiting closeness or avoiding dependence.
They become stronger when their emotional needs are met by a responsive partner.
Attachment theory demonstrates that genuine strength in romantic relationships does not arise from emotional detachment, but from secure connection. Individuals whose emotional needs are consistently met by a partner show greater courage, resilience, and autonomy in the outside world.
In other words, the more securely people bond, the more independent they become (Levine & Heller, 2010). Within attachment science, dependence is not a negative term; it refers to mutual regulation, a process through which both partners function more effectively together than they could alone.
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Closeness does not diminish independence.
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Secure attachment actively nurtures it.
Given this extensive scientific evidence, perhaps the more meaningful question is:
If closeness weakens us, why is our biology so deeply attuned to our partner?
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, NJ: Erlbaum.
Bowlby, J. (1951). Maternal care and mental health. Geneva: World Health Organization.
Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York, NY: Basic Books.
Coan, J. A., Schaefer, H. S., & Davidson, R. J. (2006). Lending a hand: Social regulation of the neural response to threat. Psychological Science, 17(12), 1032–1039.
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524.
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. New York, NY: TarcherPerigee.
Watson, J. B. (1928). Psychological care of infant and child. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company.