When Does The Question Of Identity Begin?
People often live as if they exist only as long as they feel they belong somewhere. Yet as they grow, a quiet question begins to surface: Do the places I belong to truly make me who I am, or does my sense of self dissolve within these belongings?
A person usually begins to know themselves through belonging somewhere. However, as development progresses, the extent to which these belongings truly represent the self begins to be questioned. The question “Who am I?” first finds a strong echo during adolescence. In childhood, individuals mostly define themselves through the family they belong to and the roles attributed to them. With the transition to adolescence, they stand at a threshold between childhood and adulthood and gradually assume the responsibility of defining themselves. At this stage, the self is constructed not only through relationships but also through the individual’s own internal processes.
With this transition, the meaning of belonging also transforms. It ceases to be merely a social need and becomes a defining instrument in the construction of identity. As individuals try to understand who they are through the places and groups they belong to, they encounter a fundamental internal question: Is it possible to be myself without belonging?
The Tension Between Identity And Belonging In Adolescence
Adolescence is not only a period of physical change but also a developmental stage marked by psychological transformations in which the self is restructured. In Erik Erikson’s psychosocial development theory, this period is defined as the stage of identity versus role confusion (Erikson, 1968). During this phase, individuals experiment with different roles, values, and belongings in order to establish a coherent sense of self.
In this process, adolescents simultaneously experience the need to differentiate themselves and to belong. In the modern world, the contradiction between the glorification of individuality and the expectation of social acceptance makes this tension even more visible. Caught between messages of “Be yourself” and “Belong somewhere,” adolescents often confront the same question: If I act like myself, will I be left out?
These questions are rarely expressed openly; instead, they manifest in subtle acts of conformity in daily life. For instance, an adolescent may suppress their own opinions in order to remain part of a peer group. Remaining silent about an idea they disagree with or participating in an activity they do not truly want becomes a strategy to reduce the risk of exclusion.
Although such behaviors may appear superficial, they are part of the small negotiations adolescents make with their own sense of self in order to maintain belonging. The belongingness hypothesis proposed by Roy Baumeister and Mark Leary emphasizes that the desire to form lasting and meaningful bonds is a fundamental psychological motivation (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). During adolescence, this need becomes more fragile, more visible, and more demanding.
Because the prefrontal cortex—associated with decision-making and impulse control—is still developing, establishing a balanced relationship between identity and belonging can be particularly challenging. When adolescents feel they cannot be themselves within spaces where they seek belonging, or when they perceive a risk of exclusion, this experience may turn into an internal conflict. At this point, belonging may cease to be a supportive ground and instead become a measure that tests identity.
Therefore, the intersection of identity and belonging in adolescence is not merely a process of searching; it is a critical threshold where the boundaries of the self are learned. This tension functions like a silent rehearsal for the quality of belonging the individual will later establish in adulthood (Kağıtçıbaşı, 2007; 2010).
Temporary Belongings And The Shaping Of The Self
The tension between identity and belonging guides individuals toward various groups, views, and relationships, serving an important function in the construction of the self. These belongings allow individuals to get to know themselves through experimentation; their temporary nature does not render them meaningless.
For example, an adolescent may identify with a particular worldview or lifestyle to gain social acceptance. They may defend it, share content about it, and respond quickly when criticized. Yet after a while, they may begin quietly deleting those posts—not because they have entirely abandoned the view, but because they realize they feel less and less like themselves while defending it.
Such withdrawal is often interpreted by others as inconsistency. However, for the adolescent, when a belonging begins to narrow rather than expand the self, leaving it behind is not a loss but a sign of awareness.
In James Marcia’s identity status model, identity moratorium refers precisely to this stage in which individuals explore different identities and belongings before making enduring commitments (Marcia, 1980). During this phase, adolescents not only discover what they want to belong to but also what they do not feel they belong to. Çiğdem Kağıtçıbaşı’s autonomous-relational self framework similarly emphasizes that individuals can maintain relational bonds while also developing an autonomous sense of self (Kağıtçıbaşı, 2010).
Transitioning Into Adulthood: Is Belonging Redefined?
With the transition into adulthood, belonging shifts from a search for acceptance to a conscious choice. In adolescence, identity is largely tested through experiences of acceptance and rejection; in adulthood, individuals become more aware of the costs of these experiences. Constant adaptation, approval-seeking, or suppression of the self gradually becomes a burden whose sustainability is questioned. As the gap between the expected self and the lived self widens, carrying this mismatch becomes increasingly difficult.
Self-determination theory developed by Edward Deci and Richard Ryan emphasizes that psychological well-being depends on the fulfillment of autonomy, competence, and relatedness needs together (Deci & Ryan, 2000). When one of these needs is persistently compromised, adults begin to prioritize protecting the self rather than merely preserving belonging.
At this threshold, the question changes: To remain belonging, or to remain myself? Adults begin to ask this when they realize that belonging no longer supports the self but erodes it. Thus, belonging is not abandoned; it is redefined. Adulthood matures not by multiplying belongings, but by developing the courage to remain where one can still remain oneself.
Ultimately, identity is not the sum of all the belongings formed throughout life; it is shaped by the quality of the relationship established with those belongings. The self that bends in adolescence to gain acceptance begins to feel its boundaries more clearly in adulthood. This awareness does not lead individuals to renounce belonging, but to reselect where they belong. Identity does not develop by merely holding onto somewhere; it develops within bonds that allow one to hold on without losing oneself. Belonging is healing not where it suppresses the self, but where it creates space for it.
References
Arnett, J. J. (2000). Emerging adulthood: A theory of development from the late teens through the twenties. American Psychologist, 55(5), 469–480. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.5.469
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). The “what” and “why” of goal pursuits: Human needs and the self-determination of behavior. Psychological Inquiry, 11(4), 227–268. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327965PLI1104_01
Erikson, E. H. (1968). Identity: Youth and crisis. W. W. Norton & Company.
Kağıtçıbaşı, Ç. (2007). Benlik, aile ve insan gelişimi: Kültürel psikoloji. Koç Üniversitesi Yayınları.
Kağıtçıbaşı, Ç. (2010). Benlik, aile ve insan gelişimi: Kültürel psikoloji (Revised ed.). Koç Üniversitesi Yayınları.
Marcia, J. E. (1980). Identity in adolescence. In J. Adelson (Ed.), Handbook of adolescent psychology (pp. 159–187). Wiley.