An Interactive Journey Through Reflective Questions
Human relationships seem to be an inherent outcome of our very existence. Yet as individuals, the smallest units of society, how are we in contact with the core that shapes this existence? To what extent do we choose our relationships with conscious awareness? And how much do the relationships we build truly serve our authentic self?
Let us explore these questions together, supported by the theories proposed by influential figures in the psychodynamic field, while engaging in a stream-of-consciousness inquiry.
Is There Truly An “I” Within Me, An Inner Self?
As we are swept along by the automatic flow of everyday life, we inhabit a modern world that promotes rapid consumption and distances us from the possibility of genuine connection—most importantly, from our inner contact with ourselves. In a reality dominated by constant, noisy stimuli, we often move through life without questioning the notion of the self, sometimes forgetting its very existence altogether.
So, what is this “self”?
According to Donald Winnicott, the developmental foundation of an individual’s sense of “I exist!” emerges through the caregiver’s capacity to respond to and hold the infant’s spontaneous gestures and emotional expressions, thereby creating a sense of continuity. In this sense, the self is relationally constructed. The concept of holding refers not only to physical care, but also to emotional and environmental containment.
Within this framework, two structures develop depending on the caregiver’s capacity for holding: the true self and the false self. The true self is characterized by spontaneity, vitality, and authenticity, whereas the false self is a protective organization developed to adapt to environmental demands.
How Does The Self Take Shape? A Spectrum Between Being Shaped And Shaping…
Being Shaped
One of a baby’s most fundamental needs is attachment. If, during infancy, our caregiver does not hold us with unconditional love and support—if they fail to truly see our authentic identity—the infant may choose attachment over authenticity in order to survive. This is an early adaptive response to environmental conditions.
Just as our earliest learned and modeled experiences filter later ones through those initial schemas, dismantling the survival strategy adopted by a tiny, vulnerable infant is unfortunately no easy task.
Shaping
Here is the good news: you are no longer dependent on a caregiver to survive. You are an autonomous individual now. Transforming those early relational patterns is not only in your hands; it is also in your feet, your stomach, your heart, your spine—in other words, throughout your entire system that encompasses body, mind, and soul.
This identity, sometimes referred to in the literature as the core self, will not reveal itself all at once. Especially if your automatic stance over the years has kept you at a distance from truly knowing it. Initial contact may feel ambiguous; it may even resemble opening Pandora’s box. Yet when you realize that what makes Pandora’s box a “box” is the meaning we assign to it—and when you choose to listen to the valuable instincts that once ensured your survival—you create the opportunity to truly meet yourself.
As with any healthy, regulating relationship, this encounter will not happen instantly. It will emerge gradually, from a grounded place. As you make space for acceptance and allow mutual shaping and growth to unfold, you will begin to take root together with your inner self.
When compassion and curiosity become the two core mechanisms accompanying you on this journey—when you begin to see the self not as a fixed entity but as a unique, flexible structure that continuously changes and transforms with every passing millisecond of existence—deeply exciting experiences await you. Experiences in which turning your senses inward allows you to understand, internalize, and act upon external stimuli with depth.
Do Relationships Emerge From The Individual, Or Does The Individual Emerge From Relationships?
Is it the chicken or the egg? Perhaps the answer lies in the freedom of not having to choose just one. Every being in life exists in a constant exchange of energy with others, and the direction of this relationship is not linear or fixed but multidirectional, multilayered, and dimensional.
When discussing the self, we emphasized the vital and formative role of early relationships. Now, let us turn our attention to the value of the relationships we are capable of forming once we become aware of this self.
As you read this, think about the people you currently choose to communicate with most in your life. How many of these relationships truly serve your authentic self? And how many continue to exist automatically, simply as a consequence of not questioning them?
The line separating the automatic from the consciously chosen passes through awareness. And what seems to trigger awareness is the ability to take a small yet meaningful step outside the system we habitually operate within. Much like a baby curiously exploring the world, consciously remembering this curiosity and allowing it to flow inward—making space for a search for meaning.
What are the different layers of my core self?
What nourishes them, and what do they choose to nourish?
In which experiences do I feel a sense of belonging, vitality, and freedom?
These questions and countless others are fragments of an endless inquiry. And in truth, we attempt to understand their answers through the relationships we form: with ourselves, our profession, our home, our friends, our family—through our connections with any being, animate or inanimate.
As the psychodynamic perspective suggests, is not what we call a pattern the repetition of our earliest learned relational forms—the continued selection of figures that reflect unresolved, constricting bonds—until we become aware of the cycle, transform it, and move a little closer to our most naked essence?
A Closing Exercise For Inner Exploration
So then let us reinforce all of this with a reflective practice.
• First, I invite you to sense and reflect on the self you experience when you are alone with yourself.
If this “self” could speak while not in contact with anyone else, what would it tell you about itself?
• Next, consider at least two different relationships that come to mind in terms of frequency and intensity. Let us focus on both your self and the other person’s self as they emerge within these relational contexts.
What kind of structure does X’s self display?
How does my self take shape when I am in relationship with this person?
• Finally, observe the similarities and differences between these relational selves and the self you identified at the beginning—the one you are currently in contact with.
Which aspects of me remain consistent across relationships, and how does this continuity feel?
Which self-states make me feel more alive, and which feel more constricting?
A Final Reflection: And Thus…
As I began writing this piece—shaped with curiosity and joy in the pursuit of insight—it passed through many stages: from the emergence of questions, to their transformation into a survey, to reading the reflections of precious individuals, and ultimately to integrating them into my own experience. As a collective outcome of this process, I can say this:
The self is not a fixed or singular essence, but a contextual, relational, multilayered, and vividly colorful organism. It preserves its core and fundamental colors across different relationships, while also displaying nuanced tonal shifts and changing dominances. The emergence of these variations is not a loss of self, but rather a functional and healthy form of adaptation.
So let us wholeheartedly embrace our integrated selves: deductive in the deep roots we carry forward, and inductive in the relationships we consciously choose to inhabit.