It is important and necessary for us to be able to form connections in order to survive and sustain our lives through human relationships.
Our nervous system also needs to form bonds and heals through bonding. For example, in a relationship where we feel safe, our heart rate stabilises and our body’s constant state of alertness gradually dissipates. In other words, forming bonds can lead to both emotional and physical healing.
When we become close to someone, we also experience deepening. We experience this deepening when we are noticed and seen by someone, when we are accepted as we are without being judged. We turn inward. In this way, life teaches us what we cannot learn when we are alone: our needs, who we are, and our boundaries, when we are in contact with others.
When we can get close to others, we can escape the feeling of loneliness. Because when we cannot form bonds and get close to others, we have always chosen loneliness. We participate in social environments, yet we still feel lonely. When we communicate with a crowd, that feeling of loneliness can leave us. When we feel lonely, we also feel a sense of emptiness inside, and yes, that feeling can also leave us. Once we accept forming bonds, we also learn to share our feelings with others, and being able to share the feelings we couldn’t share until now lightens us and makes us feel good.
The most confusing thing about forming bonds is this: does forming bonds mean being dependent? No, it does not. If a person has formed healthy bonds, they are not clinging to the other person; they have gained the ability to stand side by side with that person as themselves.
So why does forming bonds make us uncomfortable?
Sometimes we want to form bonds; we want new friends, a social circle, a relationship… So why, when we have this desire to form bonds, are we unable to do so, and why can’t we muster the courage to do it? Forming bonds can be comforting for some people; for others, it can initially cause unease.
When working with clients, I observe that some individuals approach intimacy with caution. Much of this caution appears to be linked to losses experienced in childhood. The sudden departure or abandonment of a loved one, or emotional relationships ending in disappointment, can lead a person to prefer distance in relationships. For these individuals, intimacy can be perceived as unsettling. In these individuals’ minds, I often see the cycle of “If I get close to someone, will they abandon me?”
According to my observations, another reason is if the person was raised with conditional love by their caregivers (mother, father, grandmother, grandfather, or nanny) while growing up. If the child was made to do things in exchange for something, if the child’s mind was filled with phrases like “I will love you if you behave this way,” this child may have difficulty being close to someone when they grow up, and over time, not being close can become a comfort zone; they prefer not to leave this comfort zone.
For some clients, forming a bond can feel like a loss of control. When they form a bond, they may feel unable to control their emotions and avoid confronting a range of feelings. Increased closeness in relationships can cause emotions that the person has not been in touch with for a long time or has avoided to surface. For this reason, some people may prefer distance in relationships in order to continue avoiding these emotions.
Another important reason why people may avoid closeness is that if a person’s brain has become accustomed to feeling bad, or if they have lived with stress or uncertainty for a long period of their life, positive emotions such as calmness and peace may feel foreign to them. Closeness may make the person feel anxious. This is because the brain prefers to stay within the familiar territory of emotions such as stress and uncertainty—even if these feelings are unhealthy for our brain.
Some people who are distant from intimacy may not perceive physical contact as a comforting experience. Contrary to expectations, this contact can create tension rather than peace in the person. Therefore, keeping a distance in relationships provides a more manageable space for them. A similar attitude can be seen in the session environment; the client may put an invisible distance between themselves and the counsellor. This distance can be gradually reduced not by a quick attempt at closeness, but by a process of trust that unfolds over time.
When we struggle to establish closeness, we need to focus on why we cannot establish closeness. What emotion or emotions do I feel in the moment of closeness? Where in my body do I feel this emotion?
When the urge to avoid closeness arises, rather than acting on it immediately, we can aim to increase our tolerance for closeness. To do this, instead of immediately escaping the moment, we can stay in it for about 10 minutes, then gradually increase this time to 20 minutes and then longer intervals. As the duration is gradually increased, the nervous system learns a new experience: that forming bonds is not always a threat.
The behaviour of avoiding closeness is an understandable reaction to a person’s past experiences. When this reaction is recognised and addressed without judgement by counsellors, forming bonds can become a relearnable process for the individual. Through small touches, the mind can learn feelings of trust and closeness.