Why do people feel attracted to certain individuals, and why do some relationships develop passionate bonds while others fade quickly?
The answer lies not only in emotions but also in one’s learning processes, past experiences, and personal definition of love.
In psychology, one of the recurring debates is whether love is formed through “free will” or as a result of learned behavioral patterns. Love is not merely a matter of the heart; it is also a reflection of the mind and the past. This is because the shadow aspects of the individual — the archetypal elements of the unconscious that correspond to the opposite sex — are shaped by early parental perceptions.
These archetypes, constructed through childhood experiences of parenting, play a significant role in partner selection and thus in the individual’s journey of individuation and self-realization. In this sense, the person we fall in love with may, at times, represent an unfulfilled emotional need from childhood.
John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s Attachment Theory, which classifies attachment styles as Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant, suggests that the quality of early bonds with caregivers has a lasting impact on how individuals form and maintain intimate relationships in adulthood.
Meanwhile, Carl Jung’s concept of the Shadow describes how unresolved or repressed experiences — particularly those arising from neglect or emotional deprivation in early attachment — are pushed into the unconscious, forming shadow aspects of the self. Jung also emphasized that these unconscious shadow elements contain archetypal images of the opposite sex: Anima (the feminine aspect within men) and Animus (the masculine aspect within women).
These Shadow Archetypes, shaped by early internalized models of parenting, significantly influence partner choices and the individuation process within romantic relationships.
As expressed in the film The Perks of Being a Wallflower, “We accept the love we think we deserve.” This line reflects the idea that our patterns of love are rooted in unconscious conditioning — and closely tied to self-worth.
Projection Mechanism in Romantic Relationships
An individual’s attachment style, shaped in early childhood, also molds their perception of anima/animus and shadow aspects — and consequently their coping mechanisms and ways of confrontation. During relational conflicts, the shadow self may emerge, leading to regression.
“Psychological triggers” refer to stimuli or situations that recall past traumatic, stressful, or emotionally charged experiences, evoking strong emotional reactions. In relationships, even a tone of voice, a smell, a gesture, or a certain behavior can serve as such triggers. They can abruptly alter one’s emotional state, sometimes causing anxiety, anger, panic, or even depressive responses.
However, these triggering moments also offer opportunities for awareness — a chance to recognize unprocessed or suppressed emotions. Every trigger points toward an inner condition. Approaching these moments with compassion and curiosity can open the door to healing. Thus, while triggers can be challenging, they also serve as catalysts for transformation.
In this sense, Romantic Relationships often act as a stage where our unconscious dynamics — shadow aspects and attachment patterns — are enacted. They provide fertile ground for individuation and self-realization.
From the perspective of Classical Conditioning Theory, past experiences of pleasure, safety, or excitement can be reactivated by similar stimuli, transforming love into an emotional experience tied to associative memories rather than solely to a person.
Meanwhile, Schema Therapy suggests that love can sometimes be a vivid response to early emotional schemas. Forming a strong attachment to someone who does not meet our emotional needs may indicate the activation of schemas such as abandonment or approval-seeking. This raises the question:
“Do we consciously choose the person we love, or do we choose the one who best fits our inner patterns?”
From a neuroscientific perspective, love involves an intense release of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and oxytocin, creating a sense of reward and attachment. Thus, love is not purely emotional — it is also biological.
As Freud once said, “We are never free in our choice of love. We only meet those who already exist in our unconscious.”
In this light, it becomes plausible to say that the person we fall in love with often represents the unfinished emotional story of our childhood.
Kaynakça
Bowlby, J. (2012). Attachment: Studies on attachment, separation, and loss – Vol. 1 (T. V. Soylu, Trans.). Pinhan Publishing. (Original work published in 1969) [in Turkish].
Fromm, E. (2022). The art of loving (İ. Yerguz, Trans.). Say Publishing. (Original work published in 1956) [in Turkish].
Jung, C. G. (2019). Four archetypes (Z. A. Yılmazer, Trans.). Say Publishing. (Original work published in 1951) [in Turkish].
Young, J. E., Klosko, J. S., & Weishaar, M. E. (2020). Schema therapy: Understanding and changing personality disorders (T. Karaosmanoğlu, Trans.). Litera Publishing. [in Turkish].
Hendrix, H. (2019). Getting the love you want (T. K. Karaca, Trans.). Butik Publishing. (Original work published in 1988) [in Turkish].