Could those traits in our partner that bother us so much actually be our own repressed aspects?
We all dream of a perfect, problem-free relationship where we understand each other in every way. It feels as if that person is the only one in the world for us—the only one who truly understands us. But then, what happens when we start to see traits in our partner that we find deeply disturbing or upsetting? We ask ourselves, “How will I resolve this situation?” or “Why do I always attract the same type of people?”
According to Carl Gustav Jung, the answer to these questions lies neither in our partner nor in our misfortune. The answer is hidden in the Shadow Archetype—the part of ourselves that lies within all of us, yet we often ignore or reject it. The shadow is the dark repository of traits our conscious self refuses to accept, suppresses, feels ashamed of, or that societal norms reject.
These suppressed aspects reveal themselves most clearly in our relationships. But how? Let’s take a closer look.
Projection – The Expression Of Our Personal Unconscious
Projection is the most destructive mechanism of the shadow in relationships. As long as we do not recognize and own the aspects of ourselves that we suppress and reject, our mind tends to project them onto others. The target of this projection is often the person closest to us—our partner.
For example, have you ever complained that your partner is “very selfish, always putting themselves first”? Could it be that you have taken on the role of excessive self-sacrifice, suppressing your need to prioritize yourself, assert your rights, or set boundaries?
Or perhaps you’ve criticized your partner for being “irresponsible and unplanned.” Could there be a hidden desire within you to be more spontaneous or to “let go”?
Another example: if your partner’s emotional intensity and sudden reactions scare you, this may echo your own suppressed, deep emotions.
In other words, when our partner’s behavior triggers us disproportionately and makes us angry—except in truly harmful situations—it often stems not from their behavior, but from our confrontation with the parts of ourselves we have long suppressed.
Idealization And Completing The Missing Piece
The shadow doesn’t only hold our darker traits like anger or jealousy—it also holds our unclaimed strengths: creativity, courage, and pure joy. It is precisely here that one of the most deceptive dynamics in relationships begins: idealization.
Idealization is seeing our partner as a kind of “missing piece” or “savior.”
Imagine someone who has lived a highly disciplined life, suppressing their desire for freedom and spontaneity. They might become enchanted by a carefree artist who lives in the moment—drawn unconsciously to what they’ve repressed in themselves.
The irresistible, intense attraction they feel (often mistaken for love) is not just about the partner’s uniqueness—it’s about how that partner reflects the energy we’ve locked away within ourselves.
In this dynamic, we place our partner on a pedestal. We say, “Thanks to them, I am very productive,” forgetting that the source of that productivity has always been within us. The partner simply served as a mirror or catalyst, giving us the courage to access our own potential.
Initially, idealization creates powerful attraction—it feels like we’ve found our “missing piece.” But this illusion places a heavy burden on the relationship. No one is perfect enough to carry another person’s unacknowledged shadow.
When our partner makes a mistake or simply acts human, the ideal image collapses—and our disappointment is immense. What breaks is not our partner’s image, but our illusion of completion.
Conclusion: The Mirror Of The Shadow
From Jung’s perspective, tensions and conflicts in relationships are not signs of failure—they are invitations. Our partner acts as a mirror, showing us the corners of our psyche we haven’t yet met.
True intimacy and lasting love emerge not from changing our partner, but from accepting our own shadow.
Recognizing our shadow doesn’t mean embracing “badness.” It means accepting our full humanity—our weaknesses and our strengths. When we embrace both our light and our darkness, we become less reactive to our partner’s flaws.
If you wish to improve the quality of your relationship, take a moment to write down the trait in your partner that bothers you the most. Then ask yourself:
“What suppressed need, fear, or potential of mine might this represent?”
This question can transform your relationship—from a cycle of blame and disappointment into a journey of deep personal growth and self-awareness.