Mutual love initially makes our soul feel as free as a bird. It implants deep within us the idea that we are strong enough to face any hardship the world throws our way. It’s such an empowering feeling that even the tasks we once feared seem like small steps to leap over. When you hold that person’s hand, you feel as though you could walk bravely toward the end of even the darkest cave.
So why do relationships that begin with such liberating and strengthening emotions eventually start to feel as if we’ve been chained by our arms and legs? Is it normal for that freeing feeling to turn into a lump in the throat over time? Does being in love mean accepting captivity? Are love and freedom two incompatible concepts?
Today, we will explore Alfred Adler’s concept of the “love task”, which he likened to “red ribbons” among life tasks, and discuss what true love really is.
Adler and the Three Life Tasks
Alfred Adler defined three universal life tasks in psychology. According to him, a person must fulfill these tasks in order to fully realize themselves and live a peaceful life accepted in a universal sense. These are social tasks, love tasks, and contribution to society.
Among them, the love task is one of the most complex, as it involves a wide range of emotions—both positive and negative. Jealousy, possessiveness, intimacy, passion, affection, inferiority feelings, anger, and love can all coexist within a single relationship. As intimacy grows, so does the intensity of these existing emotions.
“When a friendship turns into a romantic relationship, conversations and behaviors that were once acceptable between friends may no longer be tolerated. This often means socializing with friends of the opposite sex is no longer permitted—and in some cases, even a phone call with someone of the opposite sex may provoke jealousy. The distance is so close; the relationship, so deep.”
As we see in this example, as the nature of a relationship changes, so do mutual expectations. As our expectations rise, we begin to realize that it’s impossible for the other person to meet them all. At that point, we start—consciously or unconsciously—to try to change each other in order to fulfill our ideal image of love.
The Principle of Equality in Relationships
However, according to Adler’s individual psychology, interfering in another person’s domain is strictly forbidden. When we try to mold someone into our expectations, we make them feel inadequate and worthless. We subtly send the message that their natural actions are wrong or insufficient. This disrupts the principle of equality in the relationship and throws it off balance.
“Adler does not approve of restricting one’s partner. If a person seems happy, one should feel genuine joy for them. That is love. Relationships where partners restrict each other will inevitably fall apart.”
For any social relationship to remain healthy, we must first regard the other person as our equal. The same rule applies to romantic relationships. If we perceive our partner as being above or below us—even in certain aspects—the relationship becomes vertical rather than horizontal.
A vertical relationship is one in which a person positions themselves in relation to others through comparison—feeling inferior or superior depending on the context. In such relationships, a subtle competition always persists, and neither side ever finds peace. Even the more dominant partner grows tense from the constant need to maintain control.
When we try to “force” someone into behaviors we think they should display toward us, instead of accepting them as they are, we place ourselves right at the center of this vertical dynamic. Similarly, when we change ourselves solely to satisfy the other person’s demands, we also create a vertical relationship. Whether you are the one changing or the one changing others, both roles eventually lead to the erosion of mutual respect—and the loss of respect heralds the decline of love.
True Love as a Horizontal Relationship
True love, therefore, is a horizontal relationship—a partnership between equals who do not invade each other’s space, who express their desires but leave the choice to the other’s will. Only such a relationship can nurture love that endures.
“If two people are together in a tense, controlling relationship, it cannot be called love, even if passion exists. Love is only possible if, while being with this person, you still feel free to act as yourself. In such love, one can remain calm and natural, without feelings of inferiority or a need for superiority. Restriction, on the other hand, is a form of control. Being with someone who does not trust you is not something a person can naturally endure.”
But what if the other person fails to meet what we see as essential expectations?
Even then, trying to guide or control them will not lead to a healthy relationship, because at its core, it signals that we do not trust their autonomy—that we see them as lesser. You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make it drink. You may express your expectations to the person you love, but you cannot dictate their response. If that expectation is truly indispensable for you, then it simply means that this person may not be the right one. You must act accordingly—without trying to reshape them through pressure or guilt. Otherwise, you’ll only find yourself walking further into toxic and unhappy relationships.
“You must not run away. No matter how distressing the relationship becomes, you should not avoid dealing with it or postpone confrontation. Even if you eventually decide to cut ties, you must still face it. The worst thing you can do is to do nothing at all.”
To experience true love, one must have the courage to be unloved.
Not being loved by some people only means that you are one step closer to being loved by the right ones.
Source
Kishimi, I., & Koga, F. (2013). The Courage to Be Disliked.