Think about the decisions you make in daily life: How many of them are made entirely on your own volition, and how many are made to meet the expectations of others?
We often believe our decisions are shaped by logic, needs, and goals. But in reality, there is an invisible factor working behind the scenes: the need for approval.
Approval is one of the most natural human needs. Being appreciated and valued by others nourishes our sense of belonging. At a healthy level, this need strengthens social bonds and boosts self-confidence. However, when it becomes dominant in decision-making processes, it can lead to drifting away from personal values, deviating from one’s own goals, and, in the long run, experiencing dissatisfaction.
The Origin of the Need for Approval
The need for approval usually develops during childhood. A child feels valued through the positive feedback received from caregivers. However, when this feedback becomes conditional, the child grows increasingly dependent on the evaluations of others in later years.
The belief of “I am valuable because I am approved” becomes unconsciously internalized. In adulthood, this belief can influence critical decisions. Instead of prioritizing one’s own needs, individuals may give precedence to the reactions of others. This can blur personal boundaries and shape self-perception according to external validation.
Effects on Decision-Making Processes
The need for approval affects decision-making in different ways:
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Risk Aversion: The fear of criticism or rejection reduces the willingness to take innovative steps. For example, in a work environment, someone may remain silent instead of presenting an original idea due to the fear of, “What if it’s not liked?”
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Drifting from Personal Values: In an effort to please others, a person may make decisions that are unsatisfying in the long run. This weakens self-esteem and reduces intrinsic motivation.
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Constant Search for External Validation: Before making a decision, one might frequently seek opinions from others and feel the need for reassurance. While seeking support can be healthy, relying exclusively on approval from others can suppress personal intuition.
Cognitive Distortions: Pitfalls in the Decision-Making Process
One of the most important factors amplifying the effect of the need for approval is cognitive distortions—systematic errors in thinking.
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Mind Reading: A person may assume others are thinking negatively about them, despite having no evidence. These assumptions still shape decision-making.
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Catastrophizing: Individuals imagine severe consequences if their decisions are not approved:
“If they don’t like my opinion, I will lose their respect,” or
“If I make this choice, everyone will turn away from me.”
Such distortions build decisions on unrealistic assumptions. Becoming aware of and questioning these thoughts is a crucial step toward mental clarity.
Examples from Business and Social Life
In business life, the need for approval can block innovative ideas. Instead of expressing unique opinions in meetings, individuals may support majority views. While this maintains apparent harmony, it restricts creativity over time.
A similar dynamic appears in social life. To meet the expectations of one’s social circle, personal desires may be postponed. For example, attending events just to avoid losing the approval of friends is a common way of sidelining personal needs. Over time, this behavior can distance individuals from their boundaries, shaping life according to the expectations of others.
Conclusion
The need for approval is natural and essential for living as a social being. Being accepted by others supports the continuity and harmony of social relationships.
However, when this need becomes dominant in decision-making, it can limit personal freedom. Frequently asking, “What do others think?” shifts decisions away from internal values toward external validation.
The goal is not to eliminate the need for approval, but to maintain a healthy balance. Approval can strengthen interpersonal bonds, but when it becomes constant, personal needs fall into the background. Over time, this can create fatigue, as though the steering wheel of life has been handed over to someone else.
Awareness as the First Step
When making a decision, it may help to ask:
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Am I making this decision in line with my own values?
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Am I choosing this to avoid losing others’ approval?
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How will this decision make me feel in the long run?
Honest answers to these questions reveal how much the need for approval is driving you. This awareness not only protects personal freedom but also leads to more satisfying choices.
It is also important not to base self-worth solely on others’ approval, but on one’s own strengths. Recognizing achievements, appreciating efforts, and taking small steps toward independent decisions are key to this process.
Remember, approval is a pleasant feeling, but allowing others’ reactions to dictate your life can lead to a loss of identity. Making decisions in accordance with your own values strengthens psychological well-being and increases life satisfaction. Balancing the need for approval allows healthier boundaries in relationships and more conscious self-direction.
References
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Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78.
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Horney, K. (2013). Our inner conflicts: A constructive theory of neurosis. W. W. Norton & Company.
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Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.