Does every parent live in a family?
The concept of “parent” refers to the mother and father who are biologically or legally responsible for the care of the child, while the concept of “family” refers to a structure characterized by emotional bonds such as love, trust, support, and belonging/acceptance. However, not every parent can be a family, nor can every child have the opportunity to grow up in a healthy family. The gap between the commonly understood concept of family and the reality of parenting leaves deep scars on many individuals’ childhood experiences. Susan Forward’s book Growing Up in a Difficult Family addresses this gap by examining the concept of “toxic parenting.” In this article, the book will be discussed within the framework of attachment theory, and the impact of unhealthy parenting styles on an individual’s emotional development and healing process will be examined.
Who Are Toxic Parents?
Susan Forward has described toxic parents not only as individuals who abuse or use violence, but also as controlling, alcoholic, or perfectionist parents. The common feature of these types of parenting is the neglect, suppression, or harm of the child’s emotional needs. The toxic parenting types mentioned in the book are described as follows:
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Inadequate Parents: Those who constantly focus on their own problems and turn their children into “little parents” who take care of them.
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Controllers: Those who manipulate their children’s lives, creating feelings of guilt and interfering too much, even if it is for the sake of helping them.
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Alcoholics: Those who escape reality, struggle with unstable moods, and are crushed by their addictions, unable to fulfill their parental responsibilities.
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Verbal/Emotional Abusers: Those who verbally abuse their children; make mocking, sarcastic, and condescending comments; constantly belittle them, demoralizing them and stealing their self-confidence.
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Physical Abusers: Those who cannot control their deep anger and blame their children for their own behavior, accusing them.
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Sexual Predators: Those who commit immoral sexual abuse or secretly seduce children, stealing their innocence and betraying them in the worst possible way.
The Impact of Toxic Parents on Attachment Styles
Attachment theory explains how the type of relationship an individual forms with their caregivers in childhood shapes their relationships with the outside world in later life. There are four types of attachment styles in this theory: anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure. Secure attachment is observed in healthy parenting and family systems. However, in toxic parenting and family systems, these attachment styles change. Let us now examine both attachment styles and toxic parenting styles by matching them with each other:
1- Inadequate Parents – Avoidant Attachment
Parental Attitude: Inadequate parents are often preoccupied with their own problems and fail to recognize their children’s emotional needs. The child may be forced to take on the parental role and care for the parent.
Child’s Attachment Behavior: Children whose emotional needs are not met learn to suppress these needs over time. They give up expecting emotional support. They try to solve their own problems on their own. Although they may appear calm and controlled on the outside, they may feel lonely and worthless on the inside.
2- Controlling Parents – Anxious Attachment
Parental Attitude: Controlling parents interfere in every aspect of their child’s life. Although they often believe they are doing this for the child’s own good, they actually create feelings of guilt, dependence, and obedience in the child. Love is conditional. Love is shown when the parent’s wishes are fulfilled.
Child’s Attachment Behavior: The child becomes overly compliant and constantly seeks approval in order not to lose their parents’ love. They experience intense fear of losing love. They form emotionally intense, dependent relationships and become overly sensitive to rejection. They believe that “I must always do what they say in order for them to love me.”
3- Alcoholic Parents – Avoidant Attachment
Parental Attitude: These parents are often inconsistent, indifferent, sometimes unpredictable, and aggressive individuals. They cannot provide an emotionally safe environment. The parent’s emotional ups and downs are confusing and frightening for the child.
Child’s Attachment Behavior: Children raised in these conditions learn to suppress their emotional needs and take control of their lives. Unable to form a secure bond with their parent, they are forced to choose not to trust others. They try to keep their emotions under control and avoid asking for help even when they need it. Although they may appear calm on the outside, they actually carry a deep sense of insecurity.
4- Verbal/Emotional Abusive Parents – Anxious Attachment
Parental Attitude: These parents constantly say derogatory, mocking, or sarcastic things to their children. Love is given based on the child’s behavior, not their personality. The child feels that they are not loved unconditionally.
Child’s Attachment Behavior: The child feels unworthy but also tries to earn parental love to compensate for this worthlessness. They become emotionally unstable and live with feelings of inadequacy. The need for approval continues into adulthood in their relationships.
5- Physically Abusive Parents – Disorganized Attachment
Parental Attitude: Parents who use physical violence are both a source of love and a source of threat to their children. They approach their children not with love, but with fear and punishment.
Child’s Attachment Behavior: The child wants to approach the parents but is also afraid of them. This dual situation causes the child to experience internal conflicts; when they approach, they fear being harmed, and when they distance themselves, they fear being abandoned. They exhibit inconsistent, defensive, and insecure behavior in relationships.
6- Sexually Abusive Parents – Disorganized Attachment
Parental Attitude: Sexual abuse causes great damage to the child’s most basic relationship of trust. Instead of protecting the child, the parent becomes a person who threatens the child’s innocence.
Child’s Attachment Behavior: For the child, love and abuse become intertwined. The sense of trust is completely destroyed. The child develops feelings of shyness, guilt, and self-contamination. As they grow older, they struggle to set boundaries, cannot form a connection with their body, and may experience issues such as toxic relationships.
Susan Forward’s book Growing Up in a Difficult Family provides a powerful resource not only for understanding the past but also for rebuilding the future. When the concept of toxic parenting is examined within the framework of attachment theory, it becomes clearer why individuals become stuck in certain relationship patterns. However, most importantly, it shows that these patterns can be changed. The book also offers both theoretical and human depth with its theory, case studies, and solution-oriented recommendations. While individuals cannot change the past, they have the power to transform its impact on their lives.