Violence is a concept that, even though we try to keep it away from our lives, lies at the very core of all of our experiences. Of course, not only physical violence, but psychological violence is also a big part of this. Today, I want to focus on a different aspect of the psychological dimension of violence.
At every age, in every stage of life, from a primary school student being mocked by their classmates, to a small child being made fun of because of their name… Recall the anxiety of a middle school student, waiting their turn while a text is being read aloud in class. Imagine the psychological pressure they might experience, not only from their friends but maybe even from their teacher, if they mispronounce a word. This form of violence gradually becomes part of our lives, and unfortunately, it doesn’t stop at some point. As we grow, it continues to grow with us; it changes its method or form, but it continues to stay there. No matter how old we get; those hurtful criticisms we are subjected to within our families, which we stay silent about so that our family doesn’t feel upset… The constant comparison we might experience starting from our families or in our close relationships, and the resulting feeling of inadequacy… In fact, if we look closely, even the behavior of our boss in the workplace can turn into a form of violence. Surely, examples we have seen or heard in our own lives have come to all of our minds.
But what about what we couldn’t see? What about the words we never heard?
When we talk about violence, we usually focus on what has been done to us, and we recognize those.
But what about what was never done?
Even without a touch, a cruel word, or a look — can we still be hurt?
The answer must definitely be yes.
Because violence is not only directed at our existence; sometimes, being ignored is a form of being condemned to invisibility. For individuals who are unseen, unheard, and worst of all, who are exposed to this silence for too long, this situation eventually becomes familiar, and over time, it builds an inner world in which one’s thoughts and emotions start to feel meaningless. Moreover, it reinforces the sense that their very existence does not matter.
Over time, individuals who adapt to this condition often wear a mask of happiness on their faces. Even when something is wrong, their familiarity with not being seen or heard becomes an obvious outcome. These individuals tend to hide their emotions and thoughts, because even if they were to express them, they believe they wouldn’t be noticed or cared for by others. This hopelessness settles in so deeply that, after a while, the person’s fear is no longer of being “unseen”; this time, it becomes a fear of being truly seen.
Because when a person’s emotional presence goes unrecognized for a long time, many suppressed and unnamed pieces begin to accumulate within their inner world. These parts often remain silent; because an unacknowledged self does not feel safe enough to express itself. However, a moment of being truly seen by someone else can awaken everything that has long been buried. Being seen can activate not only the person’s presence in the moment, but also the parts of them that were never visible in the past. The defenses built around being unseen suddenly lose their function. And at that point, the fear is no longer just about “being seen,” but about being remembered. Because in that gaze, the forgotten parts of the self are summoned.
Therefore, “not being seen” is no longer just an experience — it becomes a psychological process. In fact, this process has been included in the literature many times, together with various psychological themes.
Consider Honneth’s Theory of Recognition, which is, in my opinion, one of the most significant approaches within the literature on this subject. Honneth argues that individuals need to be recognized, not only economically but also emotionally. According to him, being unseen leads not only to social exclusion but also to a loss of self-coherence. Over time, the individual becomes unable to hear even their own inner voice (Honneth, 1996).
Consider Winnicott’s theory of the false self, which takes us even further back into childhood. According to him, when an individual is not emotionally recognized during early years, they may feel compelled to suppress their authentic self and develop a “false self” that is shaped according to the approval of others (Winnicott, 1965). Doesn’t this, too, lead to the feeling of not being seen — even by oneself? Perhaps even to the point where the person can no longer recognize their own reflection?
From another perspective, Kohut emphasizes that for an individual to develop a healthy sense of self, it is necessary for their emotions to be mirrored and their emotional needs to be acknowledged by significant others around them (Kohut, 1977).
Despite these approaches, perhaps the most fundamental connection can be found by returning to our earliest and most vulnerable moments — through Bowlby’s Attachment Theory. According to Bowlby, the emotional bond formed between the caregiver and the child in early stages lays the foundation for relational patterns that will last a lifetime (Bowlby, 1988). So, wouldn’t an individual who was unable to form a bond with their mother, their father, or any caregiver — and who remained unseen, carry the weight of that invisibility throughout life?
When we look at these psychological theories, they all show that being emotionally recognized is not just a luxury, but a fundamental need for healthy self-development. Winnicott’s concept of the false self, Honneth’s theory of recognition, Kohut’s selfobject needs, and Bowlby’s attachment model… All point to the same idea: not being seen is not just a sense of sorrow — it is, in fact, a kind of burden that, over time, quietly breaks the person from within and slowly kills certain parts of the self.
However, a person is not erased solely by being forgotten; they can be remembered again by being seen.
Sometimes, a gaze, a sincere touch, being understood without words — maybe even a smile — can suddenly shatter the invisibility carried for years.
To be seen is not merely to be noticed; it is the summoning of all the hidden parts within.
That is why, when we are truly seen, we exist again — not only as we are in that moment, but with all of our past and everything we have ever felt.
And that moment of being seen is small — yet powerful. It may be the beginning of becoming whole again, of slowly returning to oneself.
Maybe that’s why we are still here. Writing. Reading. Telling. Sharing. Hoping that somewhere, someone might truly see us.
Maybe this piece of writing becomes the first glance between us and that person.
Maybe this time, being seen will be exactly what you need.
References
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Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books.
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Honneth, A. (1996). The Struggle for Recognition: The Moral Grammar of Social Conflicts. MIT Press.
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Kohut, H. (1977). The Restoration of the Self. International Universities Press.
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Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The Maturational Processes and the Facilitating Environment: Studies in the Theory of Emotional Development. Hogarth Press.