“Mom, I Still Feel Like a Child!” – Any Twenty-Year-Old
As we step into our 20s, we tend to believe that our identity development is finally fully developed. We’re grown adults now we know everything, we assume we’ll know exactly what to do in a crisis management situation. We think we’ve finally become like the wise and composed adults we looked up to as kids, and nothing can beat us.
And then, we type into our precious search engine: “How to do spring cleaning tips.”
Reality snaps.
We realize… we don’t know anything.
Our fingers feel smaller and smaller on the keyboard. We feel incomplete. We want to call our mom and cry, maybe even go back home. Questions begin to swirl in our minds: “Do I really know what I’m doing?”, “Did I choose the right career path guidance?”
Maybe not that dramatically but almost every twenty-something has a moment like that. A moment where everything feels confusing, heavy, unfamiliar. Tasks seem harder than they should. Questions creep in, and the answers feel farther away than ever.
Society’s Expectations vs. Reality in Your 20s
Starting from our early 20s, society expects us to be more grounded, more confident of ourselves especially when it comes to choosing a career path for young adults and sticking with it. We’re expected to be, at the very least, “more stable” in terms of identity formation in adulthood.
But in reality, this is rarely the case.
Developmental psychology literature, starting with Erik Erikson’s theory, challenges this idea by introducing the concept of lifelong identity development (Sokol, 2009). Identity formation continues to form well beyond adolescence, and this process extends into the late 20s and beyond (Luyckx, Klimstra, Duriez, Van Petegem, & Beyers, 2013).
In short: we grow and change not just in childhood, but at every stage of life.
(Don’t worry you won’t always feel this clueless, I promise!)
Research on Identity Development in Your 20s
Research on identity development in young adults supports this. For example, Carlsson, Wängqvist, and Frisén (2015) from the University of Gothenburg interviewed 124 adults aged 25 and 29. They found that even when a person’s identity status (like “achieved” or “moratorium”) remains the same, identity growth still develops especially in how individuals approach change, search for life meaning and purpose, and navigate life direction strategies.
So yes, it’s perfectly normal to feel like you’re floating, uncertain, or still figuring it all out. Even though change is expected, it can still feel scary. You might still feel lost in the process, or inadequate in doing the things you feel you “should” be able to do.
What Can You Do When You Feel Lost in Your 20s?
So… What can you do when you feel like this?
- Let yourself feel what you feel.
Don’t judge. Don’t try to control or suppress. Let the feeling occur. Just observe the emotions when they come and let them pass. - Try journaling.
Write down the difficult situations you face, observe, and reflect. In which areas do you feel most lost? Name the fog. Once you define the problem, you can start doing some research. Slowly. One thing at a time. - Talk to family and friends.
Ask how they handle things. You’ll be surprised how many people once felt (or still feel!) the same way. Sometimes friends can bring too much to dive in too! And if they’re able to help, let them. - Don’t forget to enjoy.
Maybe the most important part of our twenties is learning to observe the change and to cherish ourselves for the adults we’re becoming. Don’t get lost in the psychological deep dives. Have fun, too. You’re still in your twenties, keep shining!
Don’t forget to check out my other articles in Psychology Times,
Have a nice week!
References
- Carlsson, J., Wängqvist, M., & Frisén, A. (2015). Identity development in the late twenties: A never-ending story. Developmental Psychology, 51(3), 334.
- Luyckx, K., Klimstra, T. A., Duriez, B., Van Petegem, S., & Beyers, W. (2013). Personal identity processes from adolescence through the late 20s: Age trends, functionality, and depressive symptoms. Social Development, 22(4), 701–721.
- Sokol, J. T. (2009). Identity development throughout the lifetime: An examination of Eriksonian theory. Graduate Journal of Counseling Psychology, 1(2), 14.