“Your Brain Thinks Familiar Pain Is Love”

Why is it exciting in relationships that involve chaos, fighting, ups and downs, while in peaceful relationships we feel incomplete? The answer to this is actually hidden in the chemical system of our brain. Stress in moments — the secretion of adrenaline and cortisol — accelerates the heartbeat, making the body enter “fight or run” mode (Takahashi, 2023). At the same time, the brain perceives even danger as a kind of stimulus (Fisher, 2016). In the moments of reconciliation that come after the argument, dopamine and oxytocin come into play; these chemicals activate the reward center of the brain and strengthen the feeling of attachment (Acevedo et al., 2012). This neurochemical cycle creates the biological basis of the feeling of passion. That’s why the closeness experienced after an argument feels like love but tires the soul. In a peaceful relationship, these chemical ups and downs do not occur, so the brain perceives these situations as less stimulating and therefore more monotonous. But this is a game of biology, not emotion.

Why Can’t My Heart Love What My Mind Approves Of?

“I want peace, but my heart still longs for that storm.” This sentence is actually a summary of the internal conflict we all experience. Why do the mind and heart fight? Because the mind is a product of adulthood; the heart is the legacy of our childhood. Over the years, the mind gains experience, knowledge and develops with observation; it finds answers such as “How should the right relationship be? What does healthy love mean?” But the heart still remains attached to those old learnings.

Part of us says, “I should choose peace now,” while the other part finds peace unfamiliar. This conflict within us is like a silent war between the past and the present. One side wants trust, the other wants excitement; one finds meaning in calmness, the other feels alive in chaos. And because we often cannot balance these two emotions, we find ourselves in the same cycle.

Why Is It So Difficult To Break Up With Some Relationships?

We experience a different version of ourselves in every relationship. Some relationships present the self we idealize. We think we can never be the same person in another relationship. Sometimes what we connect to the most is not the other person, but our own reflection. That’s why not being able to break off from some relationships can often be about us not being ready to say goodbye to that version of ourselves.

Psychotherapist Terri Cole (2023) described some people’s insistence on staying in a relationship as “the emotional sunk cost of investment.” Having labored, separation feels like failure because it makes a person feel not the responsibility for the pain, but the urge to change the end of the story. However, sometimes it is necessary not to correct the story, but to choose to finish it.

Yet this awareness does not eliminate the biological effect of separation. Separation is like giving up a substance; the brain wants to reach it again, even if it is something harmful, because habit is stronger than pain.

The Neurobiology Of Love

For love to meet with peace, the brain must first unravel the “familiar pain = love” pairing. This is only possible when emotional regulation skills are rebuilt. John Bowlby’s attachment theory explains the passionate tendency towards chaos in adult relationships as a pattern formed in childhood; that is, chaos is not love, but only familiarity. The brain thinks every emotion it recognizes is safe.

This is why we feel a strange emptiness inside when we encounter a peaceful partner; it is not actually the emptiness created by peace, but by the absence of chaos. However, when the safe rhythm of the relationship is continued for a while, the nervous system learns a new norm: love = calmness.

Over time, the sudden bursts of dopamine give way to the stability of oxytocin, and a new bonding model is formed in which we can feel peace without losing excitement.

So What Should We Do? Can We Combine Passion With Peace?

The way out of this cycle is to realize that we have confused passion with chaos. Write down the first attraction and uneasiness you felt in your relationships; observe what behaviors trigger you, which ones sound safe but boring. Notice the “familiar chaos from the past” and make your own choices consciously.

Love is not to chase familiar pain again; it is a learned skill to combine confidence and excitement with the right person. Passion and peace can exist at the same time, but first the heart must solve its old habits. When we free ourselves from the misconception that there can be no love without restlessness, our hearts will finally learn to look in the same direction as our minds.

References

Acevedo, B. P., et al. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, 7(2), 145–159.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Cole, T. (2023). Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free. Harmony Books.
Fisher, H. (2016). Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray.
Takahashi, K. (2023). Neurobiological mechanisms of emotional attachment and love. Frontiers in Psychology, 14, 115–123.