“If my mom is sad, I should sit quietly in the evening. If my dad is angry, I must not answer back…”
Some children grow up trying to read the ever-changing atmosphere at home rather than simply playing games. Far from the lightness of being a child, they strive to understand their parents’ moods—doing everything they can to soothe their sadness or ease their anger. Although these children may appear “mature” or “responsible,” they actually carry the hidden weight of an unlived childhood.
In this article, we will explore how children who try to manage their parents’ emotional states shape their identity, emotions, and relationships in adulthood. Because sometimes, the cost of being a “good child” is losing oneself.
Understanding the Concept of Parentification
Children are meant to grow under the emotional guidance and support of their parents. However, for some, the roles are reversed. These children, still learning to recognize their own emotions, are forced to take on responsibilities that are developmentally inappropriate. In psychology, this is known as parentification.
Parentification is typically divided into two categories, depending on the nature of the assigned responsibilities: instrumental (such as doing household chores or caring for younger siblings) and emotional (such as preventing a parent from becoming upset or mediating between parents).
Though these children may learn to think and act like adults at an early age, what appears to be “maturity” is actually a coping strategy. Among these strategies, emotional parentification is perhaps the most invisible—and the most damaging. Behind the surface lies a child who was forced to grow up too soon and who has been emotionally isolated.
Survival Mechanisms of the Emotionally Parentified Child
Children who grow up without receiving the emotional support they need often develop coping strategies to create a sense of safety for themselves. Some take control of everything, some become silent, and others adopt the “successful child” persona to feel secure.
Here are some of those coping identities in more detail:
- The Controlling Child: Safety Comes from Knowing Everything (Hypervigilance)
These children learn to read the room before anyone says a word. What mood will each parent be in? Is the current silence a sign of an approaching storm? What can be said without triggering a conflict?
For them, control is not about routine—it’s a survival mechanism. - The Good Child: Worthy of Love Only Through Compliance (Compliant Child)
“If my mom is upset, I must not cry. If my dad is angry, I must stay calm.”
Children growing up with these internal messages learn to suppress their emotions as a way to earn love and acceptance—or sometimes just to avoid making things worse. For them, emotions are not a right, but a crisis.
Even as adults, this internal voice persists. A boss’s expression might bring back the tension of a childhood home. A partner’s silence may feel like a looming storm. - The Successful Child: Survival Through Achievement (Overachiever)
Some children cope with emotional instability in the home by pursuing success. They may believe that being helpful or perfect is the only way to be seen or to create peace.
They often excel in school, earn praise from teachers, and appear socially well-adjusted. But this identity is a shield—a way to hide emotional vulnerability behind a strong exterior.
Long-Term Effects of Emotional Parentification
These childhood coping strategies might seem effective in the short term, but repressed emotions and neglected needs can leave cracks in a person’s identity. Emotionally parentified children develop fundamental beliefs about themselves and the world that are shaped by their premature responsibilities. While these strategies may appear adaptive, they heavily influence adult relationships, self-perception, and emotional needs. As a result, these individuals may neglect their own needs and boundaries.
Research shows that individuals exposed to emotional parentification are more likely to experience depression, anxiety, burnout, low self-esteem, attachment issues, and PTSD symptoms. (Hooper, 2007b; Chase, 1999.)
They often hold internal beliefs such as:
- I must not be a burden.
- The more useful I am, the more I will be loved.
- I must be good, strong, and flawless.
Boundary issues are also common. The emotional “caretaking” dynamic from childhood often resurfaces in adult relationships—whether romantic, social, or professional. These individuals may prioritize solving others’ problems while neglecting themselves, or they may feel discomfort with emotional closeness, as it unconsciously recalls childhood emotional burdens.
Can the Cycle Be Broken?
Yes. Awareness can break this cycle.
If you carried the emotional burdens of others as a child, know that this weight is no longer yours to hold. Perhaps you once needed to be “good,” “quiet,” or “successful” to receive love. But now, you are an adult, and it’s time to understand who you are and what you need.
Here are some reminders that may support your healing process:
- Making space for yourself is not selfish—it’s the first step toward healing.
- Setting boundaries is not about distancing—it’s a healthier form of closeness.
- Expressing your needs is not being a burden—it’s being human.
A Gentle Way to Reconnect with Yourself
If you feel that you carried similar emotional burdens in your childhood…
You are not alone.
And know this: you can approach these emotions with compassion. Here’s a small practice to help you begin:
Take just a few minutes each day to ask yourself:
- What did I feel today?
- How do I know this feeling is mine—or am I carrying someone else’s emotion?
- How can I make space for this feeling?
This simple practice can help you distinguish your own emotions from others’ and recognize your real needs. Remember: emotions grow when suppressed—but they transform when acknowledged.
And always remember: Emotional parentification is not a destiny.
Awareness is the first step to reclaiming authorship of your own story.
References
Chase, N. D. (1999). Burdened children: Theory, research, and treatment of parentification. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications.
Hooper, L. M. (2007b). The application of attachment theory and family systems theory to the phenomena of parentification. The Family Journal, 15(3), 217–223. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480707301290
Jurkovic, G. J. (1997). Lost childhoods: The plight of the parentified child. New York: Brunner/Mazel.
Nesne Journal of Psychology. (2017). Characteristics and Effects of Childhood Parentification Experiences on the Individual. Nesne Journal of Psychology, 5(10), 223–234.