Wanting to get closer… Longing not only for the people in your life but also for sharing something with them… Yet at the same time, running away as if being chased, and the closer you get, the more you pull away… Does it sound familiar? Have you ever experienced something like this?
You might find yourself on either side of this dual situation: you might be the one who escapes, or the one who is being escaped from. Or perhaps you’ve observed it as a third party; maybe you’ve witnessed a close friend behaving this way… Or someone else may have treated someone you deeply care about in this manner.
But why? Everything seemed to be going so well. For a moment, you were so closeor they were that it felt like it would last forever. So what happened then?
The psychological literature often explains this approach-then-withdraw pattern through the lens of the anxious-avoidant attachment style. Originating from John Bowlby’s attachment theory, this concept can be described, in its simplest form, as the tendency of individuals raised by inconsistent, distant, or overly intrusive caregivers during childhood to both crave intimacy and simultaneously fear it in their adult relationships (Bowlby, 1988).
In other words, for these individuals, closeness becomes both a profound need and a significant threat. Perhaps it is for this reason that someone might suddenly distance themselves even when everything seems to be going well especially when things are going very well. Because even in those moments of apparent harmony, they may feel that getting too close will inevitably lead to loss. And they might fear this possibility, this rupture, so deeply perhaps even unconsciouslythat they choose to retreat rather than engage.
In short, as Mikulincer and Shaver (2007) suggest, these individuals may long to be loved within the relationship but withdraw as they approach the risk of being emotionally hurt. They do not simply withdraw; when you move on with your life and take even a small step back, they return. They can neither be with you nor without you. Because when they are distant, they are left alone with what they fear the most the profound loneliness of being abandoned.
Freud’s concept of repetition compulsion offers a significant lens through which to understand this cycle. According to him, the individual unconsciously forms relationships that repeat earlier traumatic experiences (Freud, 1920/1955). In essence, they choose partners whom they believe will eventually abandon them, and before that abandonment occurs, they themselves withdraw or end the relationship. In doing so, unlike in the original trauma, they try to preserve a sense of controlat least this time, they are the one who leaves.
So what is the cost of this avoidance? Is it truly peaceful or safe to remain constantly on alert, constantly self-sabotaging? According to the psychological literature, although avoiding relationships may provide a sense of safety in the short term, in the long run it can lead to loneliness, a diminished sense of belonging, and a decline in self-worth (Shaver & Mikulincer, 2002).
This loneliness draws the person back toward closeness, and that closeness once again drives them to retreatbecause attachment always carries with it the potential for loss. Thus, the cycle continues. Quietly, but exhaustingly.
This cycle only begins to break when the individual becomes aware of it. When they recognize that avoidance is not merely a reaction but an internalized mode of learning; when they see that being loved became associated with inconsistency, withdrawal with loss, and intimacy with threat during childhood.
When they begin to act with awareness rather than with triggered responses, when they are willing to reconfigure old relational maps through new experiencesand most importantly, when they insist on staying instead of retreating out of fear of being leftthen the cycle begins, slowly, to crack and shatter.
And as it breaks, perhaps for the first time, the person begins to form a real relationship. In this way, gradually, perhaps the deepest bond is no longer formed by waiting for another to stay, but by remaining loyal to one’s own existence.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Freud, S. (1955). Beyond the pleasure principle (J. Strachey, Trans.). W. W. Norton & Company. (Original work published 1920)
Kobak, R. R., Cole, H. E., Ferenz-Gillies, R., Fleming, W. S., & Gamble, W. (1993). Attachment and emotion regulation during mother-teen problem solving: A control theory analysis. Child Development, 64(1), 231–245. https://doi.org/10.2307/1131446
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press.
Shaver, P. R., & Mikulincer, M. (2002). Attachment-related psychodynamics. Attachment & Human Development, 4(2), 133–161. https://doi.org/10.1080/14616730210154171