Are love and acceptance earned through being perfect? This question touches on a core entanglement between approval and accomplishment that often begins in childhood. In Freud’s classical model, the part of the psyche that manages our actions and impulses—the ego—is guided by the superego. The superego forms as a result of internalizing parental expectations and ideals, particularly during the resolution of the Oedipus complex, when children begin to identify with their caregivers. This identification sets the foundation for moral development, as the child begins to absorb their caregivers’ rules, ideals, and beliefs. As these internalized values take root, they often become the early voice of the superego.
For children, this voice is heavily influenced by parents, teachers, or other authority figures who may demand performance or behavior beyond what the child can realistically manage. In the case of perfectionism, a perfectionist’s low self-esteem may stem from an overly harsh inner voice—a conscience that imposes rigid standards (Sorotzkin, 1985).
Over time, this internal pressure can gradually turn into a deeply critical inner voice in our heads. For many, these internalized expectations may manifest as perfectionism—a relentless pressure to meet unrealistic standards. Although perfectionism can seem like a desire for self-improvement or a motivation to grow, in reality, it often feels like every mistake or misstep is a potential threat to one’s worth. Eventually, even the smallest imperfections can cause deep anxiety or guilt, feeding the cycle of perfectionism. When children come into question, they may internalize the belief that every mistake leads to parental disappointment.
According to Assor and colleagues (2004), when parents use conditional regard (offer love and approval only when children meet expectations), children may comply. However, this compliance comes at a psychological cost—often leading to internal pressure, unstable self-esteem, guilt, and a perfectionist mindset. In such environments, where love can start to feel conditional, the child may begin to fear that they are only valued when they succeed. This fear may interfere with their emotional expression and cause them to suppress parts of themselves they think are flawed or unworthy.
These dynamics don’t always unfold visibly. Sometimes, they’re hidden in the small moments when children feel seen or seem at ease only when their efforts are met with praise—for being polite, doing great on exams, finishing homework perfectly, being tidy, or winning a competition. Yet beneath these moments, there may be a subtle message, one that’s easy to overlook. Over time, this causes them to focus more on the outcomes of their actions than the experiences themselves. Instead of feeling free to explore, make mistakes, and grow, they may come to believe their value depends entirely on achievement.
So, are love and acceptance earned through being perfect? The answer lies within this text. Perhaps, love and acceptance don’t need to be tied to perfection but rather grow from a sense of unconditional support that values the child not for what they do, but for who they are. Breaking the cycle of perfectionism requires conscious nurturing. By valuing children for who they are—beyond their achievements—their inner voice can become a gentle guide that supports growth without the burden of perfection. When children feel secure enough to be imperfect and still loved, it may encourage their sense of safety, which helps them build a stronger and more resilient self-image—one that they can carry into adolescence and adulthood. This way, they may be able to leave behind the emotional burden of perfectionism and move toward a more balanced and authentic sense of self.
References
Assor, A., Roth, G., & Deci, E. L. (2004). The Emotional Costs of Parents’ Conditional Regard: A Self-Determination Theory Analysis. Journal of Personality, 72(1), 47–88.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0022-3506.2004.00256.x
Sorotzkin, B. (1985). The quest for perfection: Avoiding guilt or avoiding shame? Psychotherapy: Theory, Research, Practice, Training, 22(3), 564–571.
https://doi.org/10.1037/h0085541