There are people who drain you just by being around. There are relationships where you slowly shrink. There are thoughts that tighten your chest the moment they cross your mind. And still you go back. You wait for a message. You repeat the same sentence over and over. You know how to give up, but somehow, you can’t.
Why?
Why do we stay in cycles that harm us? This piece isn’t about judgment it’s about understanding. Because what we choose isn’t always a mistake; sometimes it’s an emotional reflex we never questioned.
Choosing What Hurts Us: Reliving the Same Story in a New Costume
“I’ve been through this again.”
“I know it’s not good, but I can’t let go.”
“I thought this time would be different.”
These sentences are familiar because emotional habits don’t just repeat behaviors they recycle entire stories. In psychology, this is known as schema repetition. The emotional patterns we learned in childhood whether healthy or painful tend to feel familiar. And familiarity can be seductive. Sometimes, instead of choosing calm and safe relationships, we choose chaotic but thrilling ones. Because peace feels foreign. Drama feels like home.
The Brain Prefers Familiarity Over Novelty
Neuroscience tells us: The brain, unless it senses danger, aims to conserve energy. Familiar things are “coded” as safe even when they’re harmful. Why? Because they feel controllable. That’s where the paradox lives: Familiar isn’t each good, but if bad feels familiar, the brain often chooses it. And so, we give old emotions a new name and convince ourselves that this time, it will be different. We pour an old feeling into a new story.
The Comfort of Familiar Pain
Sounds contradictory, doesn’t it? But think:
If you were often criticized as a child, you might grow up trying harder to be accepted.
If love felt conditional, you might feel grateful just to be tolerated.
In this way, pain becomes a known quantity. And the mind finds comfort in the known. Sometimes, that sense of control feels more valuable than peace. This is also where trauma bonds come in. These connections are not built on safety but on a painful cycle of hurt–repair–hurt again.
The Quiet Question We Avoid: Is This Actually Good for Me?
Letting go of a pattern isn’t just about quitting something it’s about opening up space. And that is the hard part. Because what comes into that space is unknown. “I don’t know how I’ll feel” often really means “I’m afraid to be with myself.” Leaving a harmful relationship means saying goodbye not only to a person, but to a feeling. Because every bond holds more than people it holds memories, hopes, losses, and beliefs.
Healing Takes Courage: Letting Go Hurts
Healing isn’t just about feeling better. It’s about allowing a kind of goodness you’ve never experienced before. It means accepting a kindness that feels foreign. Sometimes, it’s hard to connect with someone who’s trying to love us. Because real love can’t be controlled. And often, we prefer what we can control not what we deserve. Change is frightening because it requires us to leave behind the self we’ve known. And in between the old and new versions of ourselves, there’s a space of uncertainty. We are no longer who we were, but not yet who we will become. And this space however uncomfortable is where transformation begins. Every act of letting go is also an act of becoming.
So What Can We Do?
- Recognize emotional patterns.
Pause when you say, “This feeling is familiar.” Whose voice is echoing in that feeling? - Don’t wait to feel ready.
Habits offer comfort, not growth. At first, peace may feel boring. But safety is a feeling you learn to recognize over time. - Grieve.
Leaving a cycle is a kind of loss. Healing means being willing to lose something. And that includes grieving. - Reintroduce yourself.
When you step out of what hurts, you make room to meet a new version of yourself. - Ask for support.
Therapy isn’t just for emergencies. It’s also for when you’re ready to rewrite your story.
You Don’t Owe That Old Story Another Chapter
Sometimes, we choose what doesn’t heal us. Because some part of us still doesn’t believe we deserve better. But if you’re reading this now maybe something is already beginning to shift. So this time, just ask yourself:
“Does this feel good to me or just familiar?”
And let the answer come. When it does follow it.