There are phrases many of us hear in daily life: “I don’t know what I feel,” “I just get angry, but I can’t explain why,” or “I feel overwhelmed, but I can’t put it into words.” If these statements resonate with you, learning about alexithymia might help.
What is Alexithymia?
Alexithymia is a condition where an individual struggles to identify and express their emotions. The term “alexithymia” means “having no words for emotions.” Individuals with alexithymia not only find it difficult to communicate their feelings to others but also face challenges in understanding what is happening within themselves. For example, when they experience emotions like sadness or anger, they may not directly recognize these feelings. Instead, they often express them through physical symptoms. Phrases such as “I feel tightness in my chest” or “There’s a heavy weight in my stomach” reflect a mind unable to verbalize emotions, instead translating them into bodily sensations.
How Does Alexithymia Affect Relationships?
Many clients express, “I know I feel something, but I can’t name it,” which perfectly describes alexithymia. Is the person sad, angry, or anxious? Identifying emotions isn’t easy for them. From an external perspective, individuals with alexithymia may appear emotionally distant, indifferent, or detached. However, this is not a choice but a result of their inability to recognize or communicate their emotions.
In romantic relationships, for instance, individuals with alexithymia may struggle to offer emotional feedback and find it hard to express affection or love. If their partner asks, “Do you love me?” they may respond with something more mechanical like, “Of course I do, I’m here, aren’t I?” Since they have difficulty expressing emotions, they are often perceived as cold or uninterested by others.
The Roots of Alexithymia
Alexithymia often has roots in early life experiences, particularly environments where emotional expression was discouraged or neglected. From the perspective of schema therapy, alexithymia is commonly linked to an emotional deprivation schema. Individuals who haven’t received adequate emotional support may perceive emotional expression as unnecessary or even impossible.
People who grow up with internalized beliefs such as “No one understands my feelings” or “Even if I feel something, no one will care” often become disconnected from their emotions as adults. Societal influences also play a role—many people, especially men, are taught to suppress their emotions from a young age, making it difficult for them to express their feelings even when they want to.
Daily Life Challenges for Individuals with Alexithymia
Alexithymia doesn’t just impact one’s emotional world but can also significantly affect daily life. A person who struggles to understand their own emotions may find it challenging to deal with situations that require empathy in professional settings. For instance, if a colleague shares distressing news, someone with alexithymia might not know how to respond and may give a mechanical or unemotional reply, leading to misunderstandings.
Additionally, because they have trouble recognizing stress and anxiety, individuals with alexithymia may find it difficult to seek psychological support. A common statement from people starting therapy is: “I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but something inside just doesn’t feel right.”
Can Alexithymia Be Managed?
Rather than being classified as a disorder, alexithymia is often considered a personality trait or neurological condition, meaning it cannot always be fully eliminated but can be improved. Various methods can help individuals develop emotional awareness. One helpful approach is keeping an emotion journal, where individuals record their feelings in response to daily events.
Art therapy can also be a beneficial alternative for those who struggle to express emotions verbally. Activities that enhance bodily awareness, such as yoga and meditation, can help individuals reconnect with their emotional selves.
In psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and emotion-focused therapy are particularly effective in improving emotional awareness. In schema therapy, the process involves uncovering early childhood experiences of emotional neglect or suppressed emotions. Clients begin to recognize past experiences that contributed to their emotional disconnection and develop strategies to regulate their emotions. Additionally, support from close relationships is crucial during this process. Loved ones of individuals with alexithymia must understand that their lack of emotional expression is not a sign of personal indifference but rather a result of a lack of awareness and skills.
Final Thoughts on Alexithymia
Alexithymia is becoming more prevalent in today’s world. When emotions remain unspoken and unexpressed, both personal well-being and interpersonal relationships can suffer. However, with increased awareness and the right support, individuals can learn to better recognize and articulate their emotions. Our emotions gain meaning only when we acknowledge and share them.
If you or someone you know has difficulty expressing emotions, it’s essential to remember that this is not a sign of emotional numbness but a process that can be developed. Remember, your emotions are real—they simply require extra effort to be uncovered and understood.