When we look at ourselves, do we really use our own eyes, or do we see ourselves through a lens shaped by the words, criticisms, and reactions we have encountered over the years? Often, we unconsciously realize that our inner voice is made up of the voices of others. What is said to us eventually becomes our self-talk.
Think of a toddler. The reactions of others to their falls shape their self-perception. If they hear, “Get up, you can do it!“, they may believe that they can overcome difficulties. However, if they hear, “You fell again, you are so clumsy!“, they may begin to see themselves as useless and inadequate. From a young age, the messages we receive from our environment shape our perspective.
According to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), an individual’s self-perception is largely determined by cognitive schemas learned in childhood. Core beliefs about a person’s competence, worth, and lovability are often formed based on what others reflect on them. However, these beliefs do not always reflect reality. Therefore, questioning whose perspective we see ourselves through is an important step in developing a healthy sense of self.
BODY
One of the biggest factors that shape our inner voice is the messages we are frequently exposed to in childhood. According to CBT, our minds work according to certain thought patterns, and over time these patterns can develop into cognitive distortions that cause us to perceive the world in a more distorted way than it actually is.
These distortions often affect our thoughts and feelings without us realizing it. For example, if someone does not respond to our message immediately, our mind may automatically conclude, “They don’t care about me.” This is known as mind reading, and is a cognitive distortion. In reality, the person may be busy, their phone may not be nearby, or they may not have seen the message. However, our mind tends to jump to the worst-case scenario without looking for evidence. Recognizing and changing these thought patterns is the first step towards a healthier mindset.
For example, if a person frequently heard their parents say, “Why can’t you do anything right?” as a child, they may become overly self-critical as an adult. When they make a mistake, they may immediately generalize it into a belief like “I am a failure.” However, a mistake is just an experience and does not determine a person’s entire ability.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy encourages individuals to recognize and question their thought processes. Our minds sometimes ignore positive experiences and focus more on negative events.
For example, we may have accomplished a lot in a day, but one negative comment from someone can ruin our entire day and mood. To counter this, we can challenge our thoughts with questions such as:
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Is there any evidence to support this thought?
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Is there any evidence to contradict this thought?
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Would I tell someone else this?
Instead of saying, “How could you make such a mistake? You are so incompetent!” we can ask ourselves, “What can I learn from this mistake?” This approach helps us develop a healthier perspective.
It is also important to be aware of cognitive distortions. Here are some common thinking errors:
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Overgeneralization: Seeing a single failure as something that defines our entire future. For example, “I failed this test, so I will never pass.“
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Mental Filtering: Ignoring positive events and focusing only on the negative. A person may receive many positive comments throughout the day, but only focus on one criticism.
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Personalization: Interpreting the behavior of others as a reflection of our own mistakes. For example, assuming without evidence, “My friend didn’t respond to my text; he must be mad at me; I made a mistake.“
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Labeling: Defining ourselves based on a single mistake or experience. “I couldn’t do that, so I must be a failure.“
These types of thoughts greatly affect how we perceive ourselves. However, it is important to remember that these thoughts do not necessarily reflect the truth. We need to recognize and change these distorted thoughts in order to evaluate ourselves more objectively.
CONCLUSION
So how can we change our perspective on ourselves? First of all, it is important to notice our inner voice and question whether it belongs to us. If there is a voice inside us that constantly criticizes and judges, we can try to find the source of this voice. Do these criticisms really belong to us or are they traces left in our minds by the words we heard in the past?
We can develop a healthier perspective on ourselves with some techniques suggested by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy:
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Writing Our Thoughts: Writing down the things we think about ourselves during the day in a notebook allows us to realize which patterns we are in.
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Reframing Negative Thoughts: Changing the language we use when criticizing ourselves can change our perception. Instead of saying, “I am a failure“, saying “I had a hard time with this, but I can learn” offers a more realistic and constructive perspective.
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Approaching Our Own Inner Voice with Compassion: It is possible to change the way we talk to ourselves. Would we say, “You are always a failure” when our best friend makes a mistake? So why are we harsh on ourselves?
In conclusion, recognizing whose eyes we are looking at is an important part of creating a healthy sense of self. If we have seen ourselves through other people’s eyes and those eyes have treated us cruelly, it means it is time to learn to look with our own eyes. Because how we look at ourselves determines how we will progress in life.
Starting today, how about looking in the mirror with more compassion?