Emotions should not be considered only as the results that arise from the change of thoughts, but rather as raw materials that need to be specifically reached and transformed. At the center of couples therapy, the importance of emotion regulation is also emphasized in relation to three basic motivations called attachment, identity, and liking.
Attachment and Closeness
Although we believe that the basic issues lie behind most couples, we think that this bond is a fundamental form of emotion regulation that causes closeness or distance behaviors along with an emotional increase in a person, rather than seeing it simply as a form of love or interaction.
Identity
Understanding the emotional process and the cycle of dominance and submission in the formation and maintenance of identity, and working on issues such as influence, power, and control, is a critical part of the puzzle that will decipher the conflict between couples. In an identity-related difficulty, the main issue is whose definition of ‘self’ and realityis correct. It is a question of who decides what is right and whose needs are more important.
In such a conflict, the spouses enter into an argument to defend the understanding of reality that suits their identities, which feels true to them. They attempt to defend themselves against the feelings of humiliation they feel about not accepting or finding their own understanding of reality wrong. Because this makes them feel worthless, inadequate, flawed, or incompetent.
Liking and Attractiveness
Positive emotions produced when spouses are attracted to each other, like each other, and feel attraction strengthen the close bond between them. The fact that the spouses enjoy each other and feel excited allows them to stay together. Couples build healthier relationships by focusing on and changing the basic processes associated with attachment and identity. In this way, they develop the capacity to soothe both themselves and the person they are in a relationship with.
The therapy process works on regulating painful emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, and shame experienced by the individual and experienced between couples, as well as positive emotions such as love.
Emotion Regulation in Couples Therapy
According to this, controlling emotions does not mean that emotions are regulated. The emotion regulation processmeans that the individual has more control over emotions they want and do not want. In addition, in therapy, it is studied to transform the unmet painful needs in childhood, which arise as emotional reactions in adult relationships, into expressing needs such as closeness and approval in adulthood. Buddha constitutes the most characteristic feature of the couple therapy approach.
Basic Relational Needs in Therapy
Regarding these three basic relational needs that lie at the center of the conflicts associated with marriage, three basic sets of emotions are studied in therapy. These emotions include:
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Fear, anxiety, shame, weakness, and pleasure (feelings of love).
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Responses to these emotions, such as calming, relaxing, empathy, approval, and interest, are explored.
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Feelings of conversation are worked on to help spouses communicate effectively.
Conclusion
As a result, in this approach, spouses first reach and express their feelings related to attachment and identity that are not met primarily in adulthood, and then express what they need.