Human beings seek ways to live safely in a world full of uncertainty. The need for security is one of the purest yet most fragile parts of us. In the sea of uncertainties and endless possibilities, we row with all our strength. Our oar is control.
Control is one of our efforts to protect ourselves, our loved ones, and our order from the waves of uncertainty. The desire to control or take charge is perfectly understandable. But does its exhaustion feel familiar to you? Your fatigue is also perfectly understandable.
Have you ever heard that small voice whispering that you need to let go of control?
Or do you remember the moments you thought, “Am I too controlling?”
Those times when you just couldn’t let go, or when even the idea of letting go frightened you… Can your tired mind really protect you in a sea where your control oar keeps fighting the waves without rest?
Letting go of the oar means being stranded in the middle of the sea; a completely uncontrolled life would be chaotic. Yet, never putting the oar down—trying to control everything—is an endless source of stress.
The real issue is knowing which waves are worth rowing against, what we can and cannot control, and directing our energy there.
The Roots Of The Need For Control
The desire to control often reflects a refined version of the survival instinct. The anxiety we feel in the face of uncertainty is a natural extension of our search for safety.
The mind loves what’s predictable because predictability reduces the sense of threat. Thus, control works like a defense mechanism—an invisible armor that protects us from the unknown.
But over time, that armor grows heavy. The more we try to control, the closer we get to our anxiety instead of easing it, until we find ourselves trapped within it. Eventually, we may even feel uneasy inside what should be our safe space.
Control sets out to protect us, but when taken to excess, it imprisons us. At that point, the mind struggles not with the outside world, but with maintaining its own inner balance.
That’s why trying to control everything often turns into the greatest loss of control.
The Right Dose Of Control
In the flow of life, we can’t always change the direction of the waves, but we can choose how to row. Healthy control begins right there: not by trying to manage everything, but by focusing our energy on what we can truly influence.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) uses the concept of a sphere of influence. This sphere includes the behaviors, thoughts, and attitudes we can change. Everything outside that sphere—the things that simply belong to the flow of life—lies beyond our control.
So, the point is not to abandon control, but to direct it wisely.
Sometimes it helps to remember:
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We can choose to improve ourselves, but not how others perceive us.
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We can control our effort, but not always the outcome.
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We can learn to observe our thoughts, but not completely stop our mind from thinking.
When we make this distinction, we become more flexible toward life and more compassionate toward ourselves.
True control lies not in mastering everything, but in knowing what we cannot master.
Loosening Control: Healthy Surrender
Completely giving up control is like being in the middle of the sea without an oar—adrift, directionless, and uncertain. But never letting go is like rowing endlessly—tired, tense, and breathless.
That’s why surrender doesn’t mean giving up; it means finding balance.
Healthy surrender is flexibility born from awareness. It’s not “letting everything happen as it will,” but letting go of unnecessary struggle.
A mind that moves with life’s rhythm instead of against it—that’s where true balance resides.
To maintain this balance, three small awareness practices matter:
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Mindfulness: Noticing the urge to control instead of immediately suppressing it.
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Acceptance: Observing reality without trying to change it.
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Refocusing: Directing energy toward what can be controlled—your effort, attitude, and intention.
Loosening control is like lifting the oar—sometimes into the water, sometimes into the air. Neither giving up entirely nor resisting until you’re exhausted.
When you stop trying to control the flow and instead harmonize with it, your mind finally finds rest.
Finding Freedom In Balance
The relationship we build with life mirrors our relationship with control. Control keeps us standing; it gives direction, order, and protection. But like all things, it only makes sense in the right dose.
Too much of it feeds not our freedom, but our anxiety.
Knowing everything, planning everything, missing nothing, remembering every detail—these nurture not safety, but exhaustion. Because life always carries some uncertainty.
And perhaps the greatest maturity is seeing that uncertainty not as a threat, but as part of life itself.
Moving forward without dropping the oar entirely, but without fighting every wave—that’s where true balance begins.
When we learn to move with life instead of trying to control it, control becomes not a burden, but a compass that guides us.
And then we realize:
The moment we loosen control is often the moment we reconnect with ourselves.