It is an inner basic structure in which the individual feels who he is and perceives his self as a whole. It is the essence of the self-feeling of the person, where he can say “this is me”. Healthy self-development is based on experiences in early ages. This process is of critical importance, especially between the ages of 0-3, and is largely shaped by the child’s relationship with the caregiver. Every child is born with the capacity to develop a self-core. However, whether this capacity develops or not depends on environmental conditions (especially parental attitudes). The journey to the self-core is based on 4 foundations: mirroring, emotional continuity, secure attachment, and separation.
MIRRORING (EMPATHIC REFLECTION)
If the caregiver is in a place where he/she understands, sees, reflects and meets the child’s emotions, the child feels understood. It builds the feeling that “I exist and I am seen”. For example, when the baby is crying, the mother sees the child’s emotion and calms him down by asking “are you hurt?”. The child feels that his emotion is seen and thinks that he can cope with this emotion. The most important thing here is to be able to give the message “I see you and I understand you” to the other person without using words.
CONSISTENCY AND EMOTIONAL CONTINUITY
In order for the self-core to develop healthily, parental responses must also be consistent. Parents who are overly emotional, variable or unresponsive make the child question “Who am I?” and make it difficult for the child to develop a consistent response to the question. Inconsistent and emotionally fluctuating parenting can lead to the child growing up to be an anxious adult with trust or boundary issues in the future.
IDEALIZATION – SECURE ATTACHMENT
The child idealizes the parent for a while; he sees the aspect of the parent as a strong, protective and supportive figure. In this way, the sense of security develops and the child dares to explore the outside world. This also creates inner strength (self-power). But the opposite parenting dynamic also develops self-defense mechanisms when the child cannot provide secure attachment. In the long run, this can turn into a fearful, anxious, exaggerated, and distorted personality structure.
SEPARATION AND INDIVIDUATION
A healthy separation process supports the balance of both attachment and independence. If the parent does not punish but supports the child’s separation efforts during this period, the child learns that he can exist as himself. If the parent is not supportive, the child may face problems such as a constant need for approval, difficulty in making decisions, and not recognizing their emotions.
IF THE SELF-CORE IS DAMAGED
It can be seen in parents who are overly disinterested, critical, emotionally unreachable or inconsistent. It can cause the child to suppress emotions, feel worthless and invisible, and develop a false self (an identity based on the approval of others). Most importantly, the journey of parenting is actually about mirroring the created being. A child in early childhood looks for a figure who will guide him emotionally and cognitively. Just as this figure creates a mirroring effect, its effects continue to be seen in the coming years—both in attachment styles and in the person’s journey to self. If this core structure is not adequately supported, the individual may experience certain psychological difficulties throughout their life.
In cases of impaired development, the person may exhibit different selves in different environments. Internal inconsistencies and feelings of disconnection from the self may occur. They become people who seek excessive approval, experience fear of abandonment, show excessive devotion, and can show emotional ups and downs along with imbalances.
At their core, they are individuals who cannot recognize their emotions, experience sudden mood changes, unexplainable feelings of unhappiness and emptiness. The inner world is filled with shame, feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. No matter what they do, there is always a feeling of emptiness. This may be suppressed by certain material dependencies or by pursuits such as being overly success-oriented.
If the real self is not developed enough, the individual shapes his life with different roles—good son, successful business person, people-pleaser. However, behind these roles is a repressed core self that is foreign to their personality. These patterns usually manifest themselves in the form of internal conflicts that are not realized but reduce the quality of life. However, healthy relationships, emotional awareness, and a therapeutic journey can repair these injuries over time. The original self should be strengthened instead of the false self.
INJURED SELF REPAIR
This repair is possible not to happen quickly but over time. The process is based on re-feeling and re-connecting. The relationship established with a therapist or an emotionally safe figure on this journey provides the first experience of unconditional acceptance. The person becomes aware of the traumatic inner voices.
What are these inner voices? Inner voices such as “you are not enough”, “you are not loved” are often the voices of the parent. It is important to recognize these voices, separate from them and replace them with compassionate inner voices. The damaged self is generally disconnected and independent from emotions. Feelings such as repressed anger, shame and longing are made aware of without judgment. Instead of constantly evaluating oneself by the standards of others, the person begins to experience looking at things from his own perspective. Self-worth is rebuilt on the basis of being good enough and the naturalness of being human.
In this table, there is still a child inside us who is hungry for love, trust and being seen. Listening to his feelings and establishing an inner relationship with him is healing. The person should create spaces where they can come into contact with themselves. Activities such as writing, painting, and spending time in nature open the doors to a person’s transition to life with his own essence. Here, a person stands out from the demands of those around them and asks, “How do I feel for myself?”—opening up space to focus on this question.
Being able to express your feelings openly and saying no are signs of a strong self. Being able to exist without getting lost in the relationship is an indication that your self-core is strengthening. The self-core has been damaged by the person’s experiences over the years, and these cracks can be repaired as you come into contact with your own inner journey. Let’s not forget that change begins with the smallest sprout inside. Although it is not possible to change the past, the flowers that will bloom in our future will be in the light of the seeds we plant today.