Many articles have been written, and we’ve all read them, that examining the psychology of children and the situations they face in adulthood and the kind of person they might become who are not loved, nullified, and disrespected as individuals within their families. But what if the opposite happens? That is, if the person is loved deeply within their family and grows up in a safe environment? Will they have a perfect life like in the movies, or will they still face many problems?
Let’s suppose that loving and committed couples have an infant. The infant is deeply loved and cared for by both parents and other family members, and their needs and desires are received. This infant has a secure attachment pattern and develops the belief that everyone will love them. If the infant doesn’t face any criticism or negative feelings, and everyone covers up the infant’s mistakes, one develops a sense of superiority. Especially if one is an only child and doesn’t have to share anything materially or spiritually within their family, the infant develops an absolute sense of being unique and special.
While everything seems to be going well in the family environment and working in the child’s favor, what happens when a child grows up and faces the real world? It’s a fact that life is never perfect. We can’t have everything in life at once, and we can’t achieve equal happiness and order in every aspect of life.
Generally, children are most exposed to the real world during school times. They are in the same environment as many other people their age for the first time, and there is an authority figure in charge of the classroom. Naturally, the child tries to gain this authority’s love and attention. If the child doesn’t listen to the lesson, the teacher will naturally react. In this case, the child is surprised, because even if the child misbehaves at home or doesn’t listen to their parents, no one will get angry or react. When a child sees someone behaving this way for the first time, they may internalize it either by overreacting to the teacher or keeping to oneself in class and never speaking. Moreover, children can refuse to go to school because of the teacher.
Another significant problem the child faces is difficulty taking on responsibilities such as doing homework and studying for exams. Because the family has never given him/her any responsibilities until this time, even if one doesn’t pick up toys, the family has always tidied up and never warned him/her not to get upset. Thus, the child’s sense of responsibility has not developed and has not been able to discipline. In this case, it takes a very long time for the child to get used to the classroom environment and follow every rule.
As a child grows into an adult and begins a romantic relationship, things become even more difficult than in childhood. For example, if a securely attached person is in love with an avoidant person, and after a while, the avoidant person tells they don’t want to continue the relationship and that they no longer love them as much as they used to, this can be disastrous for the other person. Because there’s something one’s been taught through individual’s years of experience: to be loved deeply. The individual was both the most loved and valued person in their family; everyone loved them dearly; one was special and unique. How could someone say they didn’t love him/her?
This is where all the old habits are broken, and a person’s core beliefs are shattered. This can be traumatic for the individual; they may be unable to get over that person, become obsessed, and their mental health may be affected, leading to depression. Due to this traumatic experience, one’s attachment style becomes insecure, which can severely impact the rest of their life and lead to difficulties loving and believing in someone again. One may be deeply hurt when the same unconditional love and acceptance found in the family is not received in romantic relationships.
Being loved too much can lead to various problems in work life. For instance, let’s suppose that a person is assigned a task by one’s boss. Even if they try to do it as well as they can, if someone else does it even slightly better and the boss praises the other more, the individual will think, “I thought I was superior and special, now what?” and disappointment arises. Because of this belief in superiority and specialness, the person has little tolerance for criticism. In the face of such criticism, their self-belief is fundamentally shattered, and they may exaggerate small failures and suffer from illnesses such as depression and anxiety.
Loving a child, receiving their needs, and respecting them within the family are important. A person carries the attitudes, emotions, and thoughts they experience within their family throughout their lives, and the family provides a basis for their personality. However, the important thing is to love the child realistically. If a family raises a child as if one were in a fishbowl, presenting them with a light pink picture of life, they become fragile and vulnerable when they encounter reality.
In the end, we must teach the child that life has good, sharing, unconditional love, and trust, but also bad, competitive, hate, and lies. This way, the child has a lifeline when faced with difficult life circumstances and learns to cope with a balanced parenting style.